I’ve been struggling with something for a while now and need advice and support from someone who might understand.
Here’s the situation: I’m married to a vanilla guy I love a lot. He knows I’m a sub and that I have a Domme. I’ve been with my Domme for several years.
I’ve always had romantic feelings for my Domme, but she doesn’t have those feelings for me. She says she doesn’t want romance (she’s a widow). When we are together, it feels very romantic, but she doesn’t want to call it that. The way she touches me and makes me feel, it doesn’t feel the way that friends behave (or even friends with benefits). But I keep asking myself “is it?”
I wish she had the same feelings for me as I do for her, but she doesn’t.
I know it’s not normal to feel this way for her. But I do.
I’m really struggling with how to accept this and move on. It’s hurting me. I just don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to end things with her. And I don’t want to lose her. I just wish the feelings were there on her side.
Can you shed any light on this situation? I know it all sounds crazy.
First, Know That Sub Frenzy Can Be a Powerful, Intoxicating Thing
I don’t know about crazy, but this certainly sounds like a complicated situation. And it seems like it’s weighing on you hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
There might be an element of sub frenzy going on here. I wrote about sub frenzy in a piece that’s about something else:
That hot obsessive crush of emotion that can knock a submissive off their feet. Those times when you become so preoccupied with your Dom that you can’t think of much else. Where all you do is long to serve them, to be useful to them somehow, to impress them.
It can be a desperate kind of hunger — and one that’s always been hard for me to talk about when I’m experiencing it. Sub frenzy makes me feel small, near-invisible to my Dom — and yet aching to be seen.
So please keep that in mind — it’s very common for submissives to develop very strong attractions to their Dominants, regardless of whether or not those affections are reciprocated.
Cultivating Acceptance, Trying to Lessen the Attraction, or Walking Away
Realistically, there are a few basic options here:
- Learn to enjoy the one-sided nature of attraction, feel that love and enjoy it for what it’s worth without needing her to reciprocate it. That would take a lot of emotional work and reframing and likely some mindfulness practice to get you into a place where you can accept the situation without judgement. It’s hard but it’s a possibility.
- Try to lessen your feelings of attraction to her. They used to say this was impossible, but newer research says it’s possible to retrain yourself so you aren’t so crazy about someone. I wrote about that study here. Essentially the process involves focusing on the negative about them and repeating it over and over again (and not dwelling on any positive thoughts that creep up in opposition, just letting them fade away and pass).
- End things and walk away and hope the distance resolves your pain and allows you to move on. I know you don’t want to do this, but it is an option, one many people have chosen in your shoes.
It’s Worth Noting That It’s Possible that Your Domme Does Have Those Feelings and Doesn’t Want to Admit to Them
Regarding the first point (learning to accept the situation as it is), it’s possible that she does privately experience something very close to what you would call romantic attraction, but for whatever reason she doesn’t want to call it that.
I’ve personally dated people who said I was just their friend with benefits, but we were together for a WHILE, we did tons of non-sexual stuff together, and it definitely seemed like that in spite of whatever they said (or didn’t say) that they were very attached to me and did have loving feelings for me. More so than some very official “romantic” relationships I had in the past, where people said all the right things but didn’t treat me nearly as well or seem to be as into me.
In one case, the girlfriend in question had been polyamorous for a while but had a very bad breakup with a long-time boyfriend and after being heartbroken from that decided that she and her partner would be sexually open but not romantically open — as a way of preventing her getting her feelings hurt so badly again.
In that particular case, we really did have a romantic connection. She just wouldn’t acknowledge it. Because I believe she felt that if she acknowledged it, I’d have the power to hurt her (and vice versa).
It’s possible that your widow Domme responded to grief from her own loss by protecting herself in similar ways. But as an outsider, I have no way of knowing or telling for sure.
In any event, I was able to enjoy a long happy romantic relationship with someone who wouldn’t have called it that in my own situation. I just had to give up my requirement for her to say it.
It also helped to stop beating myself up for my feelings. I wrote a bit about this theme in these pieces:
Unfortunately, it’s a rough path no matter which approach you chose. But I hope that helps a little bit. I feel for you. It’s tough. Thank you for writing in.
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