Ask Page: I Was Sure I Was Mono, Now I Think I’m Poly. Should I Tell My Dom?

3 post it notes stuck to what seems to be a transparent break room fridge. the notes read starting at the top and moving clockwise: 1) Do not remove secrets 2) I remove secrets 3) Do not remove secrets! The sighn [sic] on the side is wrong.
Image by Eugene Kim / CC BY

I’ve been doing a lot of reading over the last few months, including lots of your writings, and the more I read on the topic of poly, the more it has started making sense to me.

When I first joined FetLife and met my Dom, I thought I was 100% monogamous. But now I’m starting to think I am poly, and I think I like another guy. But I love my Dom and I know that he is quite monogamous and that he wouldn’t want to share me with another guy.

I’ve tried to gently bring up the topic occasionally and I believe he would only ever be comfortable letting me play with another girl.. but even then preferably when he’s present.

I never keep secrets from him, I really want to tell him how I feel, but I don’t want him to feel as if he’s not good enough, or that I’m unhappy with him. 

Should I tell him or just keep my thoughts to myself?

I hate keeping this secret but I don’t know what to say to my Dom.

How Much Do You Want an Open Relationship?

The bottom line is that you’re going to have to weigh how important being able to have an open relationship is to you. If it’s more of a bucket-list “well that would be nice” kind of concern, then I could completely understand keeping it to yourself. Since it’s possible that sharing it could cause distress in your Dom.

But then again, you did say that you hate keeping the secret (which I understand far too well).

It does sound like you’ve gently brought up the topic before and you got the impression that he would only be open to your playing with another girl and with him present.

It’s quite a predicament. And not a pleasant choice you’re faced with.

I really see 3 realistic options here and none of them is 100% sunshine and rainbows:

  1. Decide that maintaining your relationship with your Dom is more important than having the opportunity to explore other connections and make the conscious choice to stay monogamous with your Dom and don’t tell him. You keep the secret.
  2. Tell your Dom what’s going on. That you feel like you’re poly. And that you have feelings for someone else. And that you’d like to explore them.
  3. Tell your Dom about the poly feelings and your attraction to the other guy like in #2 but that you are only telling him to be honest with him and you don’t expect to have the opportunity to explore them.

#1 is clearly difficult because you have to keep the secret and you don’t have the opportunity to explore other things.

#2 is clearly difficult because he’s likely to be upset. And you might even end the relationship.

#3 is clearly difficult because he’ll likely be upset (and could still end the relationship) AND you won’t get to explore other relationships.

What I Would Do

I would tell my Dom. I’m shitty at keeping secrets from partners, especially a Dom.

And if being poly and open were important enough to me, I would be willing to risk the relationship by pushing for it.

And if having an open relationship weren’t a big deal, just kind of a “well, this would be nice” sort of thing, then I’d compromise.

 

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