PQ 18.3 — Am I prepared to face uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy, insecurity and fear about my partner’s loyalty and to put in the work required to overcome them?

a covered wagon
Image by Mark Goebel / CC BY

PQ 18.3 — Am I prepared to face uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy, insecurity and fear about my partner’s loyalty and to put in the work required to overcome them?

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“And what do you think makes someone a bad fit for polyamory?” she asks me.

The question catches me off guard. It’s been a great conversation up until this point. “Err… Well… Hmm…” I stammer.

“Perhaps,” she says, prompting me. “Having a lot of jealousy or insecurity issues? Maybe that would make someone a bad fit for polyamory.”

“Well, I could say that. It’s a nice easy answer,” I reply, “But it wouldn’t be true. At least it wouldn’t sync up with my life experience. I was very insecure when I first started all of this, and now I’m not. Polyamory actually forced me to work through those issues. So I think the type of person who isn’t a good fit for polyamory is someone who has those issues and doesn’t want to work through them.”

O Pioneers!

Consensual non-monogamy isn’t for everyone. Balancing the needs of multiple romantic partners can be tricky. Time management can be a bear. And it does take work to move away from mentally viewing True Love as being someone’s One and Only, no ifs, ands, or buts.

It’s a challenge. Learning how to manage it all was one of the biggest challenges I’ve undertaken. And it was terrifying to leap out into the unknown, especially because in those days there weren’t a lot of visible role models for polyamory. Every polyamorous person I knew back then was a kind of pioneer, blazing new trails.

The early pioneers didn’t know if they were going to make it. Neither did we.

It wasn’t all easy traveling either. There have been huge conflicts. Heartbreaks. Disappointments.

But I’m so happy we set out. I’ve seen things I never would have seen. And I’m now living a life I never thought possible. I’ve never been happier with who I am or how I’m living. And certainly never been happier about the wonderful people who surround me: Whether they’re lovers, friends, or metamours.

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Suggested Readings:

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This post is part of a series in which I answer each of the chapter-end questions in More than Two with an essay. For the entire list of questions and answers, please see this indexed list.

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