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PQ 4.3 — Are there specific kinds of relationships that I know I’m looking for? Kinds that I know I don’t want?

·327 words·2 mins
Polyamory PQ Series

PQ 4.3 — Are there specific kinds of relationships that I know I’m looking for? Kinds that I know I don’t want?


“Wait a second,” I said when I saw this question. “Haven’t I answered this one before?”

And looking back at the index of questions, PQ 2.2 is quite similar: What configurations am I open to? Am I looking for a particular configuration because I’m afraid that others might be more scary or more threatening?

My answer to that question was basically “I’ve done a bunch of different kinds of relationship structures, which has made me realize that there isn’t just one way that things can work, and work well, for me. Open to pretty much anything. We’ll see, won’t we?”

And I could easily go that same route with this question.

But instead, just to mix it up, I think I’ll focus on the kinds of things I _don’t _want to see in relationships. The dealbreakers.

The Kinds of Relationships I Know I Don’t Want

I don’t want relationships that deprive me of my agency.

Relationships that isolate me from emotional connection with others. As I’ve previously written, I could easily be monogamous provided I was allowed to form emotional attachments to others (that I didn’t act on sexually). That they weren’t viewed as a form of betrayal.

I don’t want relationships with partners who view my personal achievements as an attack on their self-worth.

And I cannot have partners (poly, mono, or otherwise) who tell me who I can and can’t be friends with.

I would also find it very difficult to live with a metamour who resents my existence. Where I felt like I was always in the way of someone else’s love story.


This post is part of a series in which I answer each of the chapter-end questions in More than Two with an essay. For the entire list of questions & answers, please see this indexed list.



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