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I Have an “I Might Get My Heart Broken, But This Is Worth the Risk” Mode

·431 words·3 mins

The other day, we were talking about NRE (New Relationship Energy) on the Poly Land Discord. Got into a really good discussion about how falling in love can, in fact, be terrifying.

And as we talked, I remembered that it’s nearly always the case for me… but with a few exceptions.

Because, you see, I have this other mode. One that goes, “I might get my heart broken, but this is worth the risk.” It doesn’t happen very often at all. Has only happened a couple of times in my life. But when that happens, I get really calm. There’s a feeling of inevitability about it.

I have no guarantee the relationship is going to go well. But I don’t get obsessive worrying about it. Wondering — do they like me back? As much as I like them? Will it last?

No, I’m able to be in the moment and enjoy it, even if it ends.

It happened with the partner I’ve been with for 12 years now at this point. Ask him. He’ll tell you I earnestly said things like, “Well, I have a feeling you’ll get sick of me here in a minute or way too busy to see me anymore after everyone else realizes how great you are, but I’m going to enjoy you — and this — while it lasts.”

Not even pessimistically. Or in a way intended to garner validation or fish for reassurance. But happily. Very matter of fact.

He takes great satisfaction in the fact that he told me that wasn’t going to happen back then. And that he’s proven me wrong by sticking around.

That said, I haven’t always felt this way going into great relationships, however. The other time I can clearly remember feeling like this, I was headed into a relationship that only lasted a few months and quickly turned very toxic. I did, in fact, get my heart broken.

But as it would happen, I recovered well from that too.

The hardest relationships to recover from are the ones I had more doubts about. The ones where I ignored those doubts and then proceeded anyway – and then they went splodey.

First and foremost, as long as I don’t damage my relationship with myself by dating people (by not listening to my gut or violating my own values, etc.), then I can manage heartbreak well. It doesn’t stick to me the same way as it does when I’ve done something I’m ashamed of during the course of the relationship. Those situations are so much harder for me to get over.


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