Today’s article is a guest post by Fay Creature.
Fay Creature has been practicing polyamory since 1998 and kink since 2003. She is queer – in sexuality, gender, and her approach to relationships, power exchange, and BDSM.
She previously contributed “Managing a D/s Dynamic When Your Partner Faces Mental Health Challenges.”
And check out what she wrote for Poly Land today:
I Don’t Care If You Are My Type
I found out this past weekend that one of my oldest friends had died, and it’s made me think about how important, valuable, powerful, and beautiful friendship is.
As I remember more and more about my friend who passed, the thing that stands out the most is this – she was my sister.
She supported me and loved me no matter what, and I hope she felt the same from me.
There was no competition and no jealousy. We were never threatened by each other. We opted out of the harmful heteronormative competition that can sometimes get between women.
The last conversation we had, a few weeks before she died, involved a lot of both of us questioning if we had made the right choices for our families, and both of us supporting each other and building each other up.
The Trouble With Some Kinky Poly Circles
One of the reasons why I like the kink scene is meeting all the intelligent, interesting, self-aware, intense, and complicated people who find themselves drawn to the same events as me. I value opportunities to create real communities and chosen families where people are making their own rules and creating new norms, not playing by scripts handed down to us.
In polyamorous circles, one of the things that sometimes frustrates me is that it can be hard to make friends if you don’t want to fuck around a lot, and sometimes people seem to only make friends with people who are their “type” – i.e., with people where there is potential for sex and/or play.
When Making Poly Kinky Friends, I Don’t Care If They’re My Type
Well I would like to state for the record, I don’t care if you’re my type. So many of you out there are incredibly hot, but I don’t care about that either.
I want to be friends with the other dominants and tops and sadists and whoever else embraces their power in this incredibly vulnerable way. The high femmes who use makeup like artistry or war paint. The genderqueers like me who are too butch to be femme and too femme to be butch, Tilda Swindon/David Bowie (insert other genderfuck inspiration here).
I want to be friends with the badass transmasculine and transfeminine dominants/tops who transcend and transcend and transcend. I want to be friends with the cismale tops who are over themselves and hold their power with grace.
I want to be friends with the submissives and the bottoms of who will never bottom to me. The ones who see me and know I am not their type, or who might have an inkling of desire but choose to not pursue it for whatever reason.
I want to be friends with the switches who are just authentically themselves, even when people tell them they have to choose (do people still do that?). And with the people who don’t like any of these labels – you too.
I want to be friends with you if you want to play with me but I don’t want to play with you, or vice versa, or if the lack of desire is genuinely mutual, because those moments of letting go are not who I am. And I know that they are only a small part of who you are as well. And if we both want to play, but can’t, that’s cool. We let the fire go out and settle into friendship. If we both want to play and can, that’s cool too, let’s play – I still want to be your friend.
I want to have real conversations and to opt out of competition. I want to learn from you and be humbled when you express that you have learned from me. I want to tell my other friends about you, because you are just so interesting I want to share the joy.
I don’t care if I’m your type or if you’re my type. I don’t care if we could be seen as a potential threat to each other, because I’m not playing that game. Let’s make up some new games we can play, as friends.
Friendships Are Important, Including When You’re Polyamorous
I keep thinking about my friend, and a post card she sent me when I was 15 that said “Trust your crazy ideas.” I still have it. My friendship with her had a big impact on my life, just like all of the friends who I hold in my heart. I wish I could text her right now and tell her I love her. Friendships are important, including when you are polyamorous and there are so many more options.
Thank you, Fay!
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