PQ 10.4 — How is the agreement negotiated, and under what circumstances can it be renegotiated?

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PQ 10.4 — How is the agreement negotiated, and under what circumstances can it be renegotiated?


As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, there isn’t just one right way to form a polyamorous relationship agreement.

Bottom line: It’s about finding what works.

But there are some elements that successful relationship agreement negotiations tend to share. I went over some of these in an earlier post, but briefly:

  • Successful relationship agreements are ones that manage to accurately capture the needs and expectations of everyone involved.
  • When forming agreements, be specific, clear, and comprehensive.
  • If you don’t understand what the other person means, about anythingask.
  • Many people find it helpful to write their agreement down once it’s been decided so they have a reference.

Renegotiating a Relationship Agreement

I love this question for the second half of it, the fact that it mentions not only negotiation, but renegotiation.

So many people starting out look at creating a relationship agreement as a “one and done” sort of proposition.

But it’s very common to find that your relationship agreement works out differently in practice than it did in theory. And when this happens, it’s important to check back in and discuss. Even renegotiate the terms.

For more information on renegotiation of a relationship agreement, please see this post. The process can be drastically different depending on whether you’re the one who wants to check back in and tweak things, if it’s a mutual decision, or if you’re being asked to change things that you feel don’t need changing.

But no matter the case, it’s key to remember that needing to renegotiate a relationship agreement isn’t a red flag. It’s actually quite normal. And understanding that going in can help stave off frustration later on.


This post is part of a series in which I answer each of the chapter-end questions in More than Two with an essay. For the entire list of questions & answers, please see this indexed list.

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