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PQ 1.4 – What do I want from my romantic life?

·488 words·3 mins
Polyamory PQ Series

Poly Question 1.4

What do I want from my romantic life? Am I open to multiple sexual relationships, romantic relationships, or both? If I want more than one lover, what degree of closeness and intimacy do I expect, and what do I offer?


The quick answer is I’m open to all sorts of things.

These sorts of questions are always tough for me because I feel like whenever I make plans as a poly person that reality turns out very differently indeed. I’ll set rules for myself only to find that it’s natural for me to break them later when a situation I didn’t anticipate shows up. The most noteworthy example is that after a series of heartbreaking/trying encounters with single guys that I set a personal rule that I wouldn’t date guys who didn’t have a primary. And then Skyspook showed up, and after much hemming and hawing and silent thrashing and gnashing of teeth, I (wisely) broke this rule.

Right now, I don’t have a lot of expectations. I’m good with a variety of different things, ranging from strictly casual/sexual up to another serious romantic spouse-like entanglement, depending on what makes sense with each person in question.

I’ll admit that I would love to have an intense, stable, and lasting triad. That would be fucking glorious, just beyond words, to essentially have a husband and a wife. My little heart cannot even stand thinking about that for too long because it might burst. But I don’t kid myself about how rare such a configuration is. And forcing such a thing? Totally gross (and super unrealistic). Package deals are icky. The super wonderful unicorn? Yeah, that’d be great. That’s a kind of poly utopia. But it’s not the only kind.

My other perfect utopia picture  of polyamory: Being so comfortable with my metamour that if I woke up and Skyspook and she were having sex on our living room floor that I could step over their naked bodies and come back with Pop-Tarts, asking if anybody wanted one, nonchalantly. Of course, they could have as much privacy as they wanted – I’m not the Big Brother secret sex police! –but what would be amazing is if it was so natural and not uncomfortable that it wouldn’t be that big of a deal for any us if I walked in on them. I could easily do a vee like that and would probably find myself reflecting often on it with amazement.

But currently (as of 9/3/2016), I have some potentials (hot friends I’ve made out with at parties, etc), I flirt a lot, I have an amaaaazing friend with benefits, I’m married to an incredible person, and it’s pretty wonderful.


This post is part of a series in which I answer each of the chapter-end questions in More than Two with an essay. For the entire list of questions & answers, please see this indexed list.



PQ 1.3 – How important is my desire for multiple romantic relationships?
·339 words·2 mins
Polyamory PQ Series
PQ 1.2 – Do I feel there can be only one “true” love or one “real” soulmate?
·728 words·4 mins
Polyamory PQ Series
PQ 1.1 – Have I ever felt romantic love for more than one person at the same time?
·1244 words·6 mins
Polyamory PQ Series