One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
– André* Gide*
Lately I’ve been troubled by the disconnect between the person Ex-Husband thought I was and who Skyspook thinks I am. It doesn’t make sense.
The other night, I shared the thought with my therapist, who replied, “You’re realizing that your ex-husband didn’t love you.” __
Yow! But what could I say? She was right.
She continued, “Everyone has their own capacity to love others – he may have been loving you with his all, but it was nowhere near what you are capable of and what you really wanted or needed.”
I shared my frustration with how easily Ex-Husband gave up, how he couldn’t be arsed to go to counseling with me and try to fix our marriage, and how much it hurt – coupled with the realization I had at Target the other day that Skyspook treats his cats better than any lover prior to Skyspook had ever treated me.
She went on to draw parallels between my troubled relationship with my mom and my ex-marriage, that I was repeating that pattern of catering to a difficult person even while they belittled and insulted me.
“I don’t know how to cope with being treated well,” I realized. “I know how to love but not how to be loved. I don’t know what to do with it.”
“How does it feel?” My therapist asked.
“Terrifying.”
“Good,” she replied. “That’s how you know you’re growing.”
*
Skyspook: For years, I’ve wanted someone to care for.
Me: And I’ve wanted someone to please.