Regrowing My Claws

Before my explorations in kink with Skyspook, there was another man, Ex-Boyfriend in Cleveland. I met Ex-Boyfriend through a girl I was seeing as he was her husband’s best friend and her friend with occasional benefits. I had already become rather curious about the kink scene as a result of the apparent crossover between polyamory and BDSM.

Ex-Boyfriend loved to have his back scratched. When we first got together, I had chewed down nubs for nails and had to put my entire force behind the scratching to give him any kind of sensation, and even then it was still inadequate. About a month into our relationship, when he was up visiting me in Maine before I moved, he took my hands in his and gave me an official order. I was to stop biting my nails, so I could have claws to service him.

Strangely enough, it worked. I bought opalescent nail polish, painted them up, e-mailed him pictures as they grew, lorded over my new nails. When I visited him in Cleveland a few months later, he shivered happily as I raked him red and nearly drew blood.

Though we made it over 8 months long distance fueled by fantasy and longing, we lasted 6 weeks living together in the real world after I relocated to Cleveland to live with him. To make matters worse, it was a fairly nasty breakup and had the truly regrettable timing of neatly coinciding with my marriage to Ex-Husband falling apart.

It was precisely then that I started to chew on my nails as an act of defiance. It felt like an amputation in a sense, like sawing off my own leg to be free of a trap. I do not miss the irony that the only nails I chewed were my ring fingers.

This behavior went on for many months until one day I had chewed the left one down yet again to a painful length, and I’d had enough. Skyspook additionally intervened saying enough was enough. I needed to regain control and stop hurting myself.

It’s been a month or so since I resumed regrowing and repainting and caring for my nails, and I find the small ritual empowering. Claws are a defense mechanism, a natural weapon.

Though I am completely devoted to Skyspook and want more than anything for our relationship to last and further deepen in the long term, I find myself reflecting now more than ever on what I found dissatisfying in my past relationships – and what I would look for in future ones should I find myself again in the position to be looking.

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I need to be with a person who is a hopeless romantic, who sees the profound in the everyday, who is not afraid to be profane in the search for the profound.

I need to be with someone who is incredibly horny, but who also thinks sex is a religious experience.

Someone who listens to me. Who holds me when I cry, who is not afraid to cry in front of me.

Who is comfortable with my intelligence. Who is as kind as he/she is intelligent.

Who likes my body, thinks I’m a good kisser, and enjoys aggressive make-outs.

Who has ambition and good work ethic. Who can give me a rough idea of his/her goals for the future, where he/she would like to be in 5 years.

Someone passionate and responsible. Someone would could alternately be described as childlike and an “old soul.”

I want joy, passion, romance, stability.

And sex. Lots and lots of sex.

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The official reason for my divorce was irreconcilable differences. For my own sake, I have cataloged these:

Views on money
Work ethic
Passion/emotion
Libido
Desire to travel
Desire for intimacy
Need for privacy
Desire for conversation
Level of sociability
Need for sleep
Smoking status

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