I’ve talked in other pieces about how I tend to move slowly in relationships and some of the reasons why. But it was only just now, chatting with people over on the Poly Land Private Discord server (my favorite place on the Internet), that it really occurred to me that it’s even simpler than how I’ve talked about it in the past.
You see, when people learn I tend to take my time getting to know people before I have relationships, they often assume I’m demisexual. Truth is, I’m really not. Because a properly speaking, a demisexual person has to know someone before they develop a sexual attraction on them. And that ain’t me. I can be attracted to someone I know nothing about.
But I don’t act on attractions quickly. So in behavior, I tend to look about the same as someone who doesn’t form the attraction at all until a while has passed (and they get to know someone).
And I realized talking to the Polylanders on Discord that there’s a simple reason for this: Attraction is easy for me, but trust isn’t.
It’s really as simple as that.
And I’ve learned through trial and error, through my mistakes and triumphs, that my best relationships are ones I have with people I can trust completely.
And my worst relationships, conversely, tend to happen with people I never should have trusted.
I know it’s kind of a bummer, but I’ve found that trust takes time. To build. To see if it continues when someone has let down their guard — if that trust can stay true in other contexts.
It’s not something you get from a swipe left/right situation. A few paragraphs online. A thumbs up or thumbs down.
But it’s what works for me. And I’m frankly just happy I know this about myself.