I probably should have taken it as more of a bad sign — that our rhythms were so different. You were frenetic. It came off as passionate. You had so much energy and gave and gave…
But the signs were all there. It’s so clear in hindsight.
For example, you were a terrible listener. Well, that’s not even the half of it. You weren’t a listener at all. When other people spoke, you weren’t listening to what they were saying at all. Instead, you were planning what you’d say next. And this was evidenced time and time again.
At the time it didn’t matter to me, however. I was so into you, I didn’t really care if you ever heard what I said. I was just happy to be around you. I felt fortunate you wanted to spend time with me. Even if you didn’t really hear me. See me. Acknowledge me. Even if I’d one day wake up and realize you only listen to yourself.
But who could blame you?
I have love for you now. I did when I walked away, too. You know, I was gutted then, when I realized it wouldn’t work. When I realized that not only were we not right for each other, but being close to you was dangerous.
Sometimes I wonder how I couldn’t see it then. Especially since I’m that person myself who is always a bit too much. Hyperactive, energetic, talkative. Go, go, go. Me. All energy, no crash.
Maybe that’s why I didn’t see that something was off about your energy — about our energy, frankly. Maybe it’s because I recognized something in you that had always been dismissed by others when it was me. And maybe I stayed longer than I should have trying to prove to myself — and to everyone who’d ever put me down — that there was nothing wrong with being like that.
I don’t know. I just know that all these years later it’s still one of the greatest heartaches I suffered. I saw a glimpse of what we might have been, but it was always out of reach.
But I don’t regret it for a minute, while being glad it ended when it did.