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Sharing Your Fantasies With a Partner Can Take Courage

·479 words·3 mins

“I have to talk to you about something,” I tell him. “But it’s hard. I don’t know how to talk about it.”

“Okay,” he says.

I’m not sure what he means by that. Whether the one word is meant as simple validation. To tell me that I’m okay. That this state of mind is okay.

I don’t know if he is just saying “okay” to indicate that he’s heard what I said.

Or if he’s saying “okay” to tell me it’s okay that I can’t explain and that he doesn’t expect me to. If he expects me to stop talking then.

Or if he’s giving me permission to keep talking even though I don’t know how the hell I’m going to explain it to him.

I don’t know.

All he says is “okay.”

In the past, I might have asked him which one he means, but sometimes that goes badly, that quest for disambiguation. Because he’ll start thinking I’m trying to trap him. That there’s a right answer, that he’s being tested.

So I just pick a meaning and run with it. The one that seems most likely, judging by his tone of voice and body language.

I decide his “okay” is a mix of validation and permission to keep trying to explain, even if I’m terrible at it.

So I continue.

“There’s a fantasy I have,” I start tentatively.

He leans forward. I clearly have his interest.

But that’s the last time I can gauge his reaction for a while. He’s always had a face that’s nonreactive. Mine is the exact opposite. You can see what I’m feeling from space, even before I say a single word. I hate this about myself and would change it if I could. Or make his match mine.

But I can’t tell what he’s thinking, as I talk about a dream I have. What strikes me as pleasing about this particular fantasy.

And it seems like forever between the time I stop talking about and the time he opens his mouth to respond to it.

Sharing Your Fantasies With a Partner Can Take Courage… But I’ve Never Regretted It

Depending on the situation — the partner and what exactly the fantasy is, sharing your fantasies with a partner can take courage.

That said, I’ve never regretted doing it.

And that’s not because it’s always gone well. Truthfully, sometimes it hasn’t. Sometimes they’re not only not into it — it actively weirds them out that I am.

But that’s valuable information, too. Because I can’t expect everyone I date to be into absolutely everything I’m into. But what I can expect is this: That they respond respectfully even if it’s not their kink.

Your kink is not my kink… but your kink is okay. That sort of thing.

If they can’t do that, it’s better to know sooner than later, I’ve found.


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