Look, when I met you, I was going through some pretty heavy stuff. Stuff that frankly should have completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone. That quality was in pretty big jeopardy anyway, tested by a life of many reversals, sudden betrayals.
I have generally not been rewarded for becoming close to people.
I should have ended up jaded. Not just temporarily but permanently.
But then you happened. You came out of nowhere. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you. I thought you were attractive, but we didn’t get along at first. Not really. But over time we became friends.
Oddly, once we got past our first impressions, we found that we had a lot in common. Even then, I didn’t expect for things to develop into anything more than friendship. We were both so busy. The timing was wrong.
And I always felt like you were out of my league.
I know, I know. There are no leagues. You and other people say that a lot. Fine. I’ll just say that you were leaps and bounds beyond anyone I’d ever dated. It was a thrill that you’d even consider being my friend. You just seemed so cool. So impactful. So… different, in a good way, than the majority of people I’d ever met.
You were special. Still are. I couldn’t believe you were my friend.
And then one day, I couldn’t believe you were my lover. And these days I can’t believe you’re my husband.
But I have to admit — part of me will never forgive you for making me trust someone again. I should have been jaded. Should have lost all hope. And I think I would have… if you hadn’t shown up when you did, giving me more reason to trust than I ever had before.
And now instead of being completely hardened, invulnerable, calloused against the world, I am here vulnerable for you at least. You could hurt me terribly. And I hate that.
Yes, I know it’s a risk you take when you truly connect with someone else. But I have to admit a small part of me wishes I’d never learned to trust again.