Cupiosexual: When You’re Asexual, But You Still Want a Sexual Relationship

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Hello Page,

I’ve been really enjoying your series of posts on underrepresented identities (asexual, aromantic, demisexual, semi-demi, etc.). It’s been really interesting and eye opening for me. 

There was one line that really threw me for a loop though in your piece about aromantic polyamorous people: “Finally, just like there are some asexual people who still have sex (for a variety of reasons), there are aromantic people who have romantic relationships anyway.”

Okay, what? There are asexual people who still have sex? Were you serious about that? Thanks. I’ve read all your books and love the blog and Facebook page.

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Thanks for the kind words! And glad to hear you’re enjoying the series. I had no idea it would be so popular. It’s been interesting for me because I actually don’t identify as any of the identities that I’ve been covering — which is why I primarily have been interviewing or referencing my friends in them. So I’m an unlikely spokesman on one hand, but I think it’s good to take an interest in people who are different than you are, so I guess there’s a case to be made for my writing about identities that I don’t have.

Just because you don’t experience something yourself doesn’t mean you can’t be supportive of it or curious about it.

Cupiosexual: When You’re Asexual, But You Still Want a Sexual Relationship

Anyway, to get to your question — yes, 100% there are folks who are asexual (meaning they experience little to no sexual attraction) but still desire a sexual relationship. This can be for any reason. They might want to have sexual activity because they know it feels good for their partner or strengthens the bond with them. They might also enjoy sex physically but not feel sexually attracted to anyone in particular (this is hard to wrap your head around, I know, but I think I can understand it if I really think about it).

This is one of the hardest identities for most people to understand. Cupiosexuals typically experience a lot of pushback and confusion from other people. It definitely goes against what most people think asexuality is like.

And I’ve wandered into conversations where cupiosexual folks were getting called “acephobic” by people — alleging that the only reason that they would have sex is because they are conflicted somehow or ashamed of their own asexuality.

But I think that’s pretty presumptive and unfair. The only other asexual identity I’ve seen get as much hate from other people is probably fraysexuality (when you’re primarily sexually interested only in people you aren’t familiar with and as familiarity creeps in lose sexual interest).

But yes, there are asexual people who still have sex. There’s even a word for it: Cupiosexual.

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