PQ 23.5 — How and when do I want to meet my metamours?

it is a neon sign depicting a steaming cup of coffee sitting on a saucer
Image by ArminFlickr / CC BY

PQ 23.5 — How and when do I want to meet my metamours?

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As I’ve written before, these days I don’t have the requirement that I meet my metamours. I did when I was newer to polyamory and had different partners. (One of them was self-admittedly terrible at partner selection and would run new partners by me not so much for my permission but more for my first impressions and “read” on the person, if you will, as they considered me a good judge of character. )

But these days, no. I don’t need to.

However, I really do like to meet metamours if it’s convenient (i.e., they live relatively close or there’s an opportunity where we will be in the same place, the scheduling allows for it, they’re feeling comfy with it, etc.),  And there are a few different reasons for this:

  1. I’m curious about whom my partners are spending time with. Especially if they talk about this particular metamour a lot, it’s neat to meet them.
  2. I’ve found that being comfortable enough to communicate with metamours directly can greatly aid in ease of scheduling things (and I like being able to scheme with them on surprises for our mutual partner).
  3. I’m really good at imagining intimidating, perfect people. I’ve historically found meeting metamours has helped in minimizing jealousy or insecurity towards them because reality is less scary than my imagination. As I often say, “everyone’s a supermodel astrophysicist until I meet them.”

Maybe this is a sign that I’ve been polyamorous a long time, but yes, I do have an ideal way that I like to meet metamours. Not that every other way is unacceptable (I’m fine with a lot of things), but I have a good sense now of the way that has worked best for me.

After exchanging a handful of messages via text back and forth with them, I typically like to sit and have coffee with them for a few hours. And just talk about random things.

Ideally, we do this on our own, without our shared partner there — so we can really just chat and get to know one another (and don’t have a neurotic mutual hovering over us, worrying how we’re getting on).

Frankly, I’m boring and consistent in this regard… this is also normally how my first date with someone goes if I met them online. Coffee and random chatting. (Unless I’ve known them for a while as a friend or mutual social circles, in which case we tend to do other stuff, large meals, activity-based dates, etc.)

I also tend to do this same thing with new friends and with people I might work with as business partners (if we’re doing our first in-person meetups). Coffee chat.

Now, I have met metamours in other settings: At large conferences, at parties where our mutual eyed us closely as we talked and did that hovering thing I just mentioned, in my home or theirs as a pick up/drop off took place, etc.

And by far, one on one coffee chat about random things is my favorite. No matter how it goes, it’s typically low pressure,  something that most people can sit through once, and easy to walk away from if it’s excruciatingly awkward (although as of this writing, I’ve never had a metamour meeting go quite that terribly, they usually go pretty well and they’ve been okay at worst).

If we really hit it off, we can make plans to do it again or to do something more activity oriented like shopping or lunch or whatever. I’ve had friendships start with metamours. And ever so occasionally, I’ll end up dating one myself after a series of hangouts.

Anyway, that’s my own personal favorite method.

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This post is part of a series in which I answer each of the chapter-end questions in More than Two with an essay. For the entire list of questions and answers, please see this indexed list.

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