“I’ve been polyamorous for years,” she says. “And we’ve done so many things together. Wild adventures. I’ve seen her do sexual stuff plenty of times with others. It never bothered me. But I walked in on them in each other’s arms and… ugh.”
“And it pulled at you?” I say, nodding.
“Right. I’ll be honest. I had… feelings. Weird, right?”
I shake my head no. “It’s not weird at all.”
“It wasn’t just cuddling. They were wrapped around each other. And they had these looks on their faces. Like they were in love. It’s different when they’re head over heels.”
“I’ve been dealing with these same issues,” my husband Skyspook offers. “With Page and CC in love.”
There’s no edge at all to what Skyspook is saying about me and my boyfriend. But my face flushes anyway. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you say that he and I are in love.”
“Well, has he told you that he loves you?” Skyspook asks.
Since he’s asked directly, there’s no other answer to give. “Yes,” I say.
Our friend watches, not saying anything.
“When did you know?” I ask Skyspook.
“A few weeks ago. You were writing about him regularly. And I could tell from the way you wrote about him.”
I nod. “It came through then.”
“It did,” Skyspook says.
He turns back to our friend, advising her on how he’s worked through these issues.
I scurry out the door, late to my date with Ro.
As I’m driving to her place, I wonder about Skyspook and me. How we’ve both done it “wrong,” the whole process of informing one another.
He learned important information not directly from me — but through reading my writing. A massive no-no.
And I learned that he knew about it not one on one in a discreet conversation but happenstance. In front of a third party.
Yet somehow, it doesn’t matter.
I can’t help but think there’s a lesson there. Something to write about. Maybe it’s that in relationships, trust trumps technique.
But the exact details fail to materialize as I’m on the way to Ro’s. And when I see her at the door, all other thoughts drain from my mind.
But the conversation with Skyspook is definitely still there when I return. At least this time we’re alone.
“If you want more time with CC, you should take it,” Skyspook says.
I smile. “Thank you. Things are fine though. I’m not about to get swept away by New Relationship Energy.”
“You’re a bit of a mean parent to yourself,” Skyspook says. “Pushing back against NRE just because someone ignored you while in it.”
“Well, and because I want to make sure I don’t lose focus at my job,” I say.
“You won’t. If anything, it’ll at least give you more to write about. If there’s anything I’ve been learning, it’s that you don’t have to be mean to yourself to be responsible,” he says.
It’s an idea I’ve been trying to impress upon him. That self-compassion doesn’t kill ambition. And that you don’t have to torture yourself to achieve.
“I definitely have some feelings,” I say. “I’m just trying not to get obsessive or shirk my responsibilities.”
“Let them happen then,” Skyspook says. “You won’t do either, at least in the long run. I trust you.”
Skyspook nods. “I get that.”
“There are so many reasons to control oneself, if only a bit.”
“I just get the idea that you’re beating yourself up. It’s like when you don’t want to hurt me, so you’re hiding feelings,” Skyspook says.
“I’m amused you’ve taken up the cause of arguing for wild abandon into NRE.”
“My intuition keeps sensing things below the surface, and it makes me feel like you’re hiding something or I’m left out. I don’t like either,” he says.
“That, and I would hope if I ever get NRE you’d let me explore that, too,” he adds.
“For sure. I would support your NRE,” I say.
I sigh, before confessing, “I miss CC when I don’t see him. I do.”
Is Monday too far away? I ask CC.
A little bit :), he texts. But I’ll manage. Just think about you a lot and text you a lot.
I could probably make something else work, I write. You work til 8 tomorrow.
But he has plans already with a play partner. Although she’s changed her mind in the past, so you never know.
Well, if she cancels, come see me, I tell him. I end the message with a smiley emoji.
But I’m definitely not smiling.
“Told You He Likes You”
CC’s play partner doesn’t cancel. I sit in my living room grumbling.
After a healthy dose of self-pity, I find a game to play. Introvert Quest. Perfect.
A mere two hours later CC texts me.
I didn’t expect to hear from you, I text back.
Beatings only take so long. 🙂
Ruthless efficiency, I quip.
I’m actually passing your street right now. Want me to swing by?
I sigh. I’m in my pajamas. I look terrible.
I don’t care about that.
I throw on a dress in two minutes. And then CC is there at my door.
Skyspook heads up the stairs to give us a little privacy. “Told you he likes you,” he calls down at us.
My book is out!