Why Kinky Girls Are Like Cats: The Observation Period

a small brown striped cat on a white sheet. Its face is peeking out from behind the sheet like the cat is observing but semi-hidden.
Image by Samuel Hearn / CC BY

“So how was your date?” I ask him.

“I had a good time,” he says. “Nothing kinky or sexy happened. No scenes. But I liked the show that we watched.”

“Well, that’s good,” I say.

“I’m trying not to take it as a bad sign. Just let things unfold. Or not.”

“That’s a good attitude to have. Because the thing about kinky girls is that they’re like cats,” I say.

“Like cats?”

“You know how your friend’s cat is when you come over to visit for the first time?” I say.

Hiding in the bottom of the bathroom cabinet. Peeking around corners (maybe) to observe you, how you interact with others.

Cats aren’t like dogs. They don’t rush right into new situations gushing friendliness. Jumping on your lap. Cats need a little bit to figure out if you’re trustworthy. If you’re a nice person or a mean one. If you’re the kind of person who gives good pets and neck scritches.

The Observation Period

It’s the way I’ve approached all of my dating experiences. I’m nearly always friends first. I was friends with my anchor partner Skyspook for ¬†a year before we dated, and during that time, I got to see behind the curtain as I helped him navigate his relationships. And he did the same for me. When we got together, we already had an honest idea of how the other person treated romantic partners. And loved what we saw.

I remember remarking to another friend, “Even if the physical chemistry is terrible with Skyspook, I’d be willing to figure it out. I’m so in love with the guy’s brain. And the way that he treats people.” (Spoiler: The physical chemistry wasn’t terrible; it was awesome.)

Ro I knew for 6 years before we started dating. We’d had many a late night eating Chinese, drinking wine, and talking about everything: Our relationships, our childhoods, politics, literature.

Background Check

CC was different. One hundred percent new to me, picked up on a fluke via OkCupid. But even with CC, I did a quick background check. He’d done scenes with a few of my friends, and it reassured me that he wasn’t a complete unknown. My friends reported he raised no red flags. Had good energy. Seemed sweet, polite, and sincere. And as one friend added, “he’s really cute, too.”

Still, I was cautious. I met in public at a coffee shop for a brief mini-date. I arranged a safe text. And as CC noted later, I moved slowly enough that he was initially concerned.

“I thought we were having a good date, flirting a lot, but then you turned away from the kiss at the end and just went with the hug. Which was fine but made me worry a bit. That maybe you weren’t so into me.”

Then again, he had no idea that by even going on the date in the first place I was going much faster than my normal pattern. He’d skipped the observation period. The part where I peek around corners.

*

“Kinky girls are like that,” I say. “They have to watch you for a while. Make sure you’re safe.”

He laughs. I can see him doing a quick mental inventory of his dating experiences as he drinks his soda. “I think you’re on to something there.”

*

Books by Page Turner:

A Geek’s Guide to Unicorn Ranching

Poly Land: My Brutally Honest Adventures in Polyamory 

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