The Difference Between Sex Geekery and Dirty Talk: Arousal and Poor Boundaries

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on email

I’m a very sex-positive person. And hypersexual, actually.

And I definitely subscribe to the ideal that Easton and Hardy famously expressed in The Ethical Slut: “Sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”

I freely enjoy talking to people about sexual norms, relationships, ideals, and dynamics. Especially as they pertain to psychology or other assorted geek-tastic disciplines.

Sometimes this means that people assume that I’ll gladly engage in dirty talk with anyone. Anytime. Anywhere.

Which would of course include them.

Many a boner-stroking stranger has presumed this, only to be met with lack of interest on my part, indicated by silence.

And it all leads a girl to wonder: What is it about these particular communications? The unsolicited come-ons. The errant dick pic (poor orphans, so far from home!).

What differentiates these outreaches from the academic discussion of sex?

Is It Because It’s Personally Directed Towards Me?

The first obvious contrast is that they’re generalized and not targeted towards me as an individual. Or my behaviors.

But as I think on that, in the process of doing interviews re: this site and/or my recent book, I’m sometimes asked very personal questions about my love or sex life. And for the most part, I have no problem with that. And will answer them readily. Indeed, there’s an awful lot of personal sexual stuff in the book I wrote. So I’m not guarded about discussions of my personal sex life per se.

The Petitioner’s State of Arousal Seems Key

As I thought some more on this, I realized that such communications are especially offputting when the other person is obviously aroused. And broadcasting that somehow — through words, tone, or yes, the occasional swollen member.

And then it dawned on me.

Sexual Arousal, Poor Boundaries, and Wild Flailing Around Cats

The reason that random sexual solicitation falls so flat with me: Usually it involves people engaging with poor boundaries.

And a prime driver of poor boundaries? Seems to be sexual arousal.

Sexual arousal isn’t an excuse for boundary violation, mind you. I’m not saying that. You don’t get off the hook for your actions because blood rushes to your genitals. That’s a cousin of “she was asking for it, dressed like that.”

But I’ve noticed that aroused people — just like hungry people and drunks — are particularly at risk for boundary violations. Lunge-y, grabby gross violations.

The same way someone might pop your leftovers into their mouth when they’re starving and at the end of their rope.

Except in this case, you’re the leftovers.

So much the same way that my cats have learned to run away from me when I’ve had a glass of wine (Skyspook reports I become 300% more flail-y, which tips the cats off), I peace out when a horny stranger approaches.

*

My book is out!

Poly Land: My Brutally Honest Adventures in Polyamory

Featured Image: CC BY – Yumi Ang