Threesomes, You’re Doing Them Wrong

Wrong Way street sign
Image by KungPaoCajun / CC BY

On those days when I’m struggling with my latest challenge as a poly person, I can sure count on monogamous people to remind me how different things are out here in Poly.Land. This is especially true when it comes to threesomes and happened with Reddit a little while ago.

My latest reminder was reading Jezebel’s “Amber Rose Had Her First Threesome and Totally Hated It.”

As Megan Reynolds of Jezebel writes:

As per my suspicions, Rose’s experience matches up with how I have always thought threesomes actually are – complicated, messy and a little awkward for all parties involved, depending…I imagine there’s quite a bit of “rolling around,” but a threesome sounds like a whole lot of multi-tasking and not a lot of boning.

I laughed until my ribs hurt. Threesomes are fucking amazing. Or can be anyway. Until you have known the joy of not being able to count the number of hands touching you in all the right ways or have happily drowned in a sea of sexy bodies, you do not know what a threesome can actually be. Forget the Spice on Arrakis — nothing folds time and space as well.  There is nothing like a good threesome.

In my experience, any awkwardness surrounding threesomes is a byproduct of emotional baggage people bring into them. Societal shame, internalized sex negativity, an inability or limited ability to communicate about what they want or don’t want to happen, insecurity — the usual suspects for when things get weird in a lot of situations.

Not a lot of boning? There is so much boning in threesomes, especially if you stop thinking about sex as just penis in vagina. I mean, that’s on the menu, sure, but there are so many other dishes being served that are just as delicious (if not more so).

And besides, one of my favorite games, “Whose Hand Is That?,” is for 3+ players.

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It’s a short read, Jezebel’s blurb about Rose’s threesome, so I didn’t expect to take issue with another point, but I did:

Rose went on to say that contrary to what everyone might think, she’s actually kind of a “nerd” in bed. “People really think that I have orgies all day and, like, I do these crazy sex acts,” she said, “I’m like, ‘I’m really just a normal girl.”

It’s apparent that Amber Rose hasn’t been fucking any/many actual nerds. The biggest nerds have some of the dirtiest craziest sex and are definitely over-represented in the kink and poly communities.

 

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