This was actually an entry from a private journal I posted October 16, 2011, so Skyspook and I were newer to doing dungeon scenes and pain work together, but it really spells out some of my inner turmoil and the process I was going through at that time. I found it interesting in hindsight, so I thought it’d be nice to repost it:
kinky life #
Posted [protected post] on 2011.10.16 at 11:25
The energy at the dungeon was in rare form last night – lots of great regulars and some very promising new folks. So much love, hugs, kisses, cuddles, smiles, laughs from my friends. I know so many wonderful people.Great class on burlesque last night – less of a direct how-to, and more about the broader themes – the why… the presenter was absolutely gorgeous and very funny.
I received my first breast bondage last night for the charity event they do every year – it was exquisite – like getting hugged from the inside. And happily, it made my breasts and nipples ultra sensitive to all sorts of stimulation (both positive and negative). I was glad Skyspook watched how I was bound so we can experiment some with that in the future.
Had a good scene with Skyspook, though the bastard beat me with my shoes at one point. Yes, my fucking shoes. The humiliation, I don’t have words. It’s interesting as he explores things, experiments with me the things we both find. I ended the scene painfully aroused, weeping, and homicidal to the point where I had to stop. I felt horrible saying, “I think we should stop.” Even though that’s how he plays things – he pushes me, is unrelenting, will beat me down until I either say “stop, no more,” or I became too limp and unresponsive or exhibit some physical sign that troubles him (one time he thoughts my hands/arms were too cold). I don’t want to ever say, “Stop.” I always feel like I’ve failed somehow. I want to be able to endure as much as he can put out. I had a small consolation in the fact that he’d asked me a few times before I did actually ask for it to end if I wanted him to stop, if I’d had enough, and I’d shaken my head no and took quite a chunk more of the hard beating, even though I was violently oscillating between bliss and torment. I wonder if I’m the only person who’s felt this way. Skyspook urges me that I’m a bad ass, that I take quite a beating, and that saying, “Ok, it’s time to end,” is in no way a failure. He said I’d done wonderful in the scene, and he was proud of me for being assertive. I guess it’s just something I’ll have to work through.
I’m very excited. We’re planning on doing some research into the scientific research done as to the physiology of kink – things like subspace, pain conversion, etc, the things we are both generally curious about. That, and he has some cool ideas for kinky inventions, essentially awesome torture devices/sensory toys he plans to make to use on me and possibly others if there’s an interest. 🙂 It’s wonderful to have someone to share passions with – of all varieties.
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As a random aside, favorite quote of the night: “Motherfuckers, we’re not getting fucking paid for this!”
Down with drama. Up with energy. Life is good.