Wired Differently

If I try to be monogamous with a vanilla man with low libido ever again, someone please inform me of the error of my ways.

I recently had a nice girly evening with the lovely Sika in which we commiserated about the plight of the kinky, libidinous female.

We’re raised culturally to believe that men are hardwired to constantly want sex day and night, provided they have access to an attractive partner. “Men are the gas; women are the brakes,” I was told over and over again growing up. The first big shock was that though I was many things, I was certainly not the brakes. I found myself constantly aroused, seeking sensation, affection, pleasure.

The second big shock was that men are not always the gas.

Ex-Husband had a bit of a sex drive in the beginning of the relationship, but what interest he started with quickly trailed off and continued to atrophy over the years as I found myself increasingly sexually frustrated and unfulfilled. What was I doing wrong? I wondered. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t he want me?

Sika had a similar experience with an ex, where his lack of sexual interest drove her to try everything she could think of, thinking that if she were more beautiful, “better” in some tangible sense that he would show more interest.

Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. In both of our cases, those sexual relationships never became as active as we desired, despite our best efforts, and have become things of the past.

Where they should stay.

Sex and love and my emotions are braided for me. I cannot accept any one of these in isolation from the other. It only ends in disappointment.

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  1. So I’m not the only one? My was-band was never very interested in sex. He was in his early 30’s when we married and a “virgin”. (never mind the blow jobs from me, or the young men from the past) After our honeymoon night his reply was “so that it?” The following week he had a hard time getting it up. I was devastated thinking that I had married a man that didn’t want to have sex. I blamed myself. Anytime I suggested something during sex he would loose his erection. I think I had one accidental orgasm with him in the room in our 13 year marriage. My sex drive has always been pretty healthy. Unfortunately our marriage ended with me having an affair with a woman. (my gender of choice) And now I find myself entering non-monogamy in my 4 year relationship.

    What a ride!

  2. Yeah, the sex drive really needs to be in the same general neighborhood for both parties. Otherwise you end up with a choice between a lifetime of frustration or a lifetime of sneaking around.

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