I used to feel so much terror every time you did something nice for me. Because I already didn’t feel like I deserved you. And that you were too good for me.
Add on “is too good to me” on top of that? And how could I hope to stay with you?
But you insisted on sweet gestures. More than I ever would have asked for certainly. And you always seemed surprised that I was so shocked by it.
When I confessed that I didn’t feel like I deserved you — and that I certainly didn’t deserve such good treatment — you waved it away as nonsense. I imagine that was easy for you to do, since you don’t have the same memories that I do. You can’t remember other people, small petty people who lack your good qualities, being terrible to me. So for you it doesn’t seem absurd that someone amazing would treat me better than those folks who told me that I was lucky to have them, even if they treated me badly.
No, to you, there’s no disconnect there. You only know the one way you’ve treated me. And I could explain forever how I used to be treated and what I’ve lived through — and while you believe me, it doesn’t seem real to you in the way it feels real — and defining — to me.
So you would wave it away as nonsense and keep being so good to me that I’m convinced that at any moment it’s going to fall apart. Because I’ve had so much joy in this relationship that I don’t feel entitled to. I’ve had an unrealistic amount of happiness with you — more happiness than I would have previously thought reasonable to want.
It used to be pretty terrifying. But you kept on doing it. And I kept on pushing through that fear — because I felt lucky to have you. (Still do.) And I knew you were worth pushing through the fear.
A lot of time has passed since then. These days I’m not nearly as scared when you do sweet things.
But I never stop being amazed by it. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. But I’m okay with that.