PQ 19.5 — How do I feel about group sex and sexual exhibitionism?

an assortment of stuffed animals like you would see in a claw machine
Image by Garry Knight / CC BY

PQ 19.5 — How do I feel about group sex and sexual exhibitionism?

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I feel good about them! I think they are fun and valid forms of sexual expression so long as everyone involved consents to them. No pressuring someone to join an orgy. Or flashing people in the park. Those are both terrible behaviors.

But consensual group sex and sexual exhibitionism! Well, that sounds like a terrific way to spend a Tuesday night.

I’m Probably More of a Voyeur

That said, on the voyeur/exhibitionist spectrum, I’m probably much more a voyeur. (I’ll do things in front of other people, again when they’ve consented to it, but knowing there are people watching doesn’t do anything extra special for me.)

As I actually wrote in a previous piece, the voyeurism involved in watching kink scenes actually made polyamory easier for me, by serving as a kind of exposure therapy:

…if you don’t want an audience, you don’t start fooling around in front of non-participants. You go somewhere private….And as the months and years wore on and I watched other people play on the kink scene (both partners and non-partners), I found that my voyeurism became a kind of exposure therapy. It became even more enjoyable to see my partners with others in both kinky and non-kinky contexts. I felt less creepy and rude when I’d happen upon a partner being intimate with another person (for example, at a party). I came to trust that any instances where people wanted privacy would be communicated and arranged to be that way (y’know, sexile) and stopped putting pressure on myself to anticipate that need for privacy.

And I learned to bask in the energy of people around me without feeling guilty about watching.

This was never my intended purpose of watching kink scenes, but it happened anyway.

I default to voyeurism since I’m a very curious person (who honestly struggles with being a buttinksi), so I have a particular fondness for exhibitionists, again provided that they aren’t the kind who lack understanding of consent or boundaries.

Group Sex Can Be Great, Given the Right People and the Right Energy

Sometimes polyamorous people are hesitant to talk about group sex – threesomes, foursomes, moresomes. And I get that. After all, there’s a stereotype that that’s what polyamory is all about. That and only that. That it’s about sex and group sex in particular. Which isn’t true; there are plenty of other good reasons to be polyamorous. And frankly, there are even asexual folks who are polyamorous.

I get the caution — but it’s also kind of a shame. Some polyamorous folks really enjoy 3+ person encounters. And I’m one of them, pretty openly. After all, I actually wrote a piece for Kinkly called “Gay Threesomes Give Me Hope.”

Group sex can be great (some people don’t define threesomes as group sex, but I do; they’re in the same category to me, kind of like the mini-bike version). For the aforementioned reason, I try not to go on and on about my love of them. But, look, it can be pretty awesome when I have multiple people I care deeply about that I’m being physical with at once. Where I get lost in a tangle of folks that mean the world to me. It can be great. Not gonna lie.

It’s not something everyone enjoys, sure (whether polyamorous or not). But I like it, given the right people and the right energy.

Here are some other pieces that I’ve written about this general subject on Poly Land:

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This post is part of a series in which I answer each of the chapter-end questions in More than Two with an essay. For the entire list of questions and answers, please see this indexed list.

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