What Do Polyamorous Women Find Attractive?

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Hi Page,

I have been reading your blog for a while now. As a polycurious man, I love it. While I’m still yet to have a polyamorous relationship, I love getting a peek behind the scenes for when I (hopefully) one day will.

I’ve read many times that it can be more difficult for polyamorous men than women to find partners when a relationship opens up. That makes sense to me for a number of reasons, but I wanted to ask you something I’ve been curious about….and something I’ll admit I’ve been reading your blog hoping to find.

What do polyamorous women find attractive? I know it isn’t sending dick pics or bragging about how big it is.  But what can a man who is looking to date poly women successfully do to increase his chances of success?

Thanks again for the blog.

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So I’m just one polyamorous woman, and fair warning, my sexual orientation is Kinsey 5, which means I’m bisexual but greatly prefer women over men. But going off my experiences (and those of female partners and friends that I’ve had), here are some partner qualities that are generally considered attractive.

Honesty

Look, this one’s a no-brainer. Relationships take an enormous amount of trust even when they’re monogamous. Arguably, polyamorous ones require an even higher level of trust since not only do you have to trust your partners to interact in a responsible way with you, but you also have to have a reasonable amount of confidence that they’re conducting themselves responsibly with other people (using safer sex practices, staying out of legal trouble, etc.).

For a lot of people, trusting others can be difficult even under ideal circumstances. Nearly everyone I’ve spoken to has encountered some form of social betrayal or abandonment. Many have been cheated on. Others have had friends turn on them. The world can be cruel and cold sometimes. And it doesn’t matter if you’re a pretty good guy, you’re still a human being, and human beings can sadly be shady from time to time.

If you throw dishonesty on top of what for most people is already a fairly precarious emotional foundation, well, then you’re done. Seriously, be careful with the little white lies. You can be gentle and tactful but don’t squander your precious social capital on flagrant mistruths.

Able to Show Vulnerability

It’s funny — a lot of men that I’ve met feel like the way to impress a woman is to go full-on braggadocio. Puff yourself up like a bird during mating season. Go full-on with the “I’m big and powerful. All that and a bag of chips” routine.

But that’s Yawn City for me. I’ve found that when I find men most attractive is when they’re vulnerable. When they drop the tough guy act and talk to me about their emotions. It’s especially meaningful to me because I know that men aren’t typically socialized this way, so when they do, they’re often doing something that’s difficult for them. Something that takes real effort and courage.

Opening up and letting someone else in can be scary, but there’s nothing I personally find more attractive.

Good Communication Skills

In every relationship, you’re going to run into things that need to be discussed. In polyamory, you’ll likely encounter situations you’ve not only never personally experienced but don’t even have social models for. You’ll be having conflicts you never saw parents or people on TV having. When that happens, it’ll be crucial that you can listen well to anybody you’re talking with and be able to effectively communicate your own thoughts and feelings.

Do you need to be perfect? No.

But you should be pretty good at it. And at the very least, you should be willing to have the talks in the first place and to try to get better at communication as you discover any weaknesses you didn’t know you had.

A Non-Hostile Sense of Humor

I don’t like people who take themselves too seriously.  Some people laugh plenty but only ever in a mean-spirited way — at the expense of other people. A mocking, cutting, aggressive humor that wounds others for their own entertainment.

I can’t get down with that.

Sure, I like a person who can laugh with wild abandon. Who can get lost in joy for a moment, even if it makes them look silly. But the people I tend to gravitate to don’t get their kicks from name-calling.  They predominantly laugh at themselves, absurd situations they encounter, and random silliness.

Humor is wonderful stress relief — but be careful not to weaponize it.

Being Someone Who Generally Gets Along Well With Other People

A little bit ago I posted a meme that joked that being polyamorous means you can easily form D&D groups and barbershop quartets (here it is on Poly Land’s Facebook and Twitter). While I was being funny (or trying to be), there’s some truth there.

One of the upsides of polyamory is being surrounded by people you love — and I can tell you from personal experience, it’s waaaaaay easier when everyone you love gets along and maybe even likes each other as friends.

I’m not saying that people have to be besties, but it’s always a plus when someone new I’m dating gets along with my existing partners.

So definitely, being somewhat friendly, possessing good social skills, and having a high level of comfort with having metamours are major pluses. It just makes everyone’s life easier.

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Have a question about a post? Maybe need some advice about a relationship or situation? Write me. I love getting messages from you.

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Books by Page Turner:

A Geek’s Guide to Unicorn Ranching

Poly Land: My Brutally Honest Adventures in Polyamory 

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