PQ 8.7 — Do I think that if my partner has sex with someone “better in bed” than I am, she won’t want to have sex with me anymore or won’t need me anymore?

A bed with a white comforter and two pillows. The left pillow has a scene of what looks like a young girl and a horse printed on it. The right pillow is burgundy colored. There's a patch of rainbow light streaming across the middle of the bed.
Image by Jared Tarbell / CC BY

PQ 8.7 — Do I think that if my partner has sex with someone “better in bed” than I am, she won’t want to have sex with me anymore or won’t need me anymore?

*

Skyspook comes home from his date, glowing. I know what he’s been up to. Because he’s got that “shimmer” about him. He’s playing it cool. But he has a smile that just can’t help itself.

And it looks so damn sexy on his face.

We go up to bed. I wrap my arms around, plant my own kiss on that face. Adding it to the other ones I know he got. And it’s so much more passionate than the last time we’d kissed. Last night. His hands are moving all over me. He’s feeling my shape like he’s never felt it before. I’m new to him. Familiar. But new.

The sex isn’t just good. Or even great. The intensity is insane. We fold together with pliancy and accord, the smallest and largest universes sighing “yes” in tandem.

It takes me a minute to say anything. I’m too exhausted. Quivering. Delirious from what we’ve just done.

But I don’t ask him afterwards if she was better. Because I don’t care.

*

Before I tried polyamory, I did worry about this. A lot. I really did think that if my partner had sex with someone “better in bed,” then they wouldn’t have sex with me anymore. And yes, that I’d be replaced.

It was a prominent fear — a large reason why I said “no” to opening up for many years.

But in reality? It’s never worked out for me that way.

When I’ve run into major problems in relationships, ones that led to their demise, it’s always been about something other than sex. Differences in communicating. Or our values. Or the way we preferred to spend money.

Not the sex.

*

This post is part of a series in which I answer each of the chapter-end questions in More than Two with an essay. For the entire list of questions & answers, please see this indexed list.

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