Ask Page: Judge-y People

a piece of lined paper with a heart-shaped question mark drawn in marker

Hi Page,

I need your advice. I could not ask any of my friends. People are ready to judge.

I have a girlfriend. We have been together for 4 years . We are going to get married next summer. I love her more than anything, but sexually I REALLY want to watch her while having sex with a random guy and to have an MFM threesome with her.

We often play with other guys on Skype without showing our faces. She loves showing off herself. It turns her on. This fetish first started since I saw her eager face while showing her body to guys on Skype.

I love her so much, and I am going to get married to her, but I really want her to have sex with other guys with me. I know for some people it is not acceptable if you are in love with her.

I do not want her to think I do not love her anymore because I am eager to share her with other guys. I do not want to ruin our relationship.

What should I do? Could you give me advice ?

I know she has huge libido and that she’s turned on by what she does on Skype, but she may feel guilty herself if we did it for real.

How do I convince her that she should not feel guilty? I am sure if she realizes this, then she will go for it.

How can I make her sure this will not affect our relationship ?

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First priority: Talk to your girlfriend about your desires. Be open and honest with her. Yes, “for some people it is not acceptable” to share lovers with others, but you’re not some people. You’re you. Your girlfriend might be into it as well. No guarantees, but she’s at the very least an exhibitionist. The only way to find out is to ask her.

I know it’s scary and can be difficult to have that conversation, but if you can’t have difficult conversations, then you probably shouldn’t be getting married. Even without kinky fetishes thrown into the mix, being someone’s life partner inevitably means you’re going to encounter something sooner or later that needs to be worked through.

As for convincing her to not feel guilty, stop right there. These kinds of conversations are not there to convince anyone of anything. This isn’t a sales pitch (coercive, unethical, and practically guaranteed to make her feel more defensive). You’re letting her know what your desires are. You get to share them, and she gets to figure out whether she wants in or not. If she doesn’t want to have sex with other men, that’s that. Forcing or pressuring people to have sex with others (i.e., sexual coercion) is not only wrong, it’s against the law.

Furthermore, she gets a right to her feelings, whatever they are. If she’s guilty feeling, she’s guilty feeling. Now, you can support her, model the belief that sharing her would be nothing to be ashamed of, and validate that you still love her. But you can’t and shouldn’t be making her sure of anything.

Plus, I won’t feed you a line of bull on this — this is probably going to affect your relationship. The question is whether it would be a positive or a negative thing. Being sexually adventurous totally affected my relationship — it made it more awesome.

You desperately need to read The Ethical Slut, and your girlfriend does, too. It’ll help you so much. My recommendation would be to read it yourself, internalize the information, have the conversation with your girlfriend, and then ask her to read the book.

I will say though that there’s nothing wrong with threesomes. I personally love them. And, while they are culturally taboo (arguably much of the appeal), MMF and cuckolding are very common fantasies. Bear in mind though that, as with all fantasies, the reality of it might be very different than the idea of it — not just for your girlfriend but for you as well.

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