The Main Quest

a hand holding 4 dice

Staying positive is my major goal — if I were a video game protagonist that would be the main quest that advances the plot. However, I have noticed the maximum depth of existential angst of which I am capable steadily increases year by year. On the same hand, so does joy. It’s curious, this parameter growth.

One of my music instructors impressed upon me quite early that the best course of action was “keeping an even keel,” and of course zen Buddhism darts in and out of my life (it refuses to waft mysteriously in like it does for others or bestow me with any airs of superiority; there is no grace or mystery to it), and yet I am not the keeper of mild emotions or neutrality. I feel intensely — and the scalding hot and freezing feelings mix midstream to simulate the warmth I see others assuming quite more naturally. In other words, I’m a mixture of extremes. There is nothing moderate about me.

I’m eternally passionate. This is not always socially acceptable so I expend great amounts of energy masking it.

Anyway, I’m pretty much exhausted, but I need to keep going. I have somewhere specific I’m heading, and with any luck, I’ll get there before I collapse.

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2 Comments

  1. I am so with you on finding “warmth” in the midst of two extremes. I tend to write about in terms of a scale and living on both edges. In total, they balance each other out. I see it as a happy place and appreciate feeling the intensity of the edges…perhaps you do too. 🙂

    1. Oh definitely. Most days it’s the best thing ever. On a rare day when things aren’t going too well, I wonder a bit about this but usually just remind myself that life is just like that. You have bad days, no matter what you’re doing.

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