What the Cuck

He is out on a date with her. I’ve had a glass of wine, done some writing. We’ve done this dance before. He’s doing his thing, I’m doing mine. So far, so good.

But then I look at the clock, and it’s somehow both earlier and later than I think it is. I have passed as much time as is effortless, and now the minutes will be work. The insecurity starts with a stray thought, a relatively harmless one. I bet he’s having a good time.

And then I’m imagining her mouth on his cock. Her looking up and giving him a mischievous grin as she goes to work, engulfs him.

I bet she does something special with her tongue that you can’t. She’s probably more fun in bed than you. Everyone knows this girl can cum just from kissing.

His eyes are rolling back into his head, making those unrestrained wild noises he makes when he’s completely mad with desire.

She can cum just from neck kisses.

He’s bucking his hips, burying himself deep into her throat.

She can cum just walking down the street. She’s an orgasm machine. And with lips like hers? This is the best blow job of his life.

The sickness and the dread mix with arousal. I run upstairs, and I fall back onto the bed, fish through my bedside table drawer. My secondary vibrator – the one that’s like a tease. The one I have to thrust in hard and push forward on to get anywhere.The vibe is in me and I’m bucking. All their faces flashing before me. All the girls, the ones that could even possibly be considered “competition.” Everyone he’s ever been with or is currently. Everyone that I know he’s been attracted to. The woman sucking him becomes each of these girls in turn, moving through all these faces in an amazing montage. I’m comparing myself to each and every one and coming up short.

Her job is better than yours. She’s thinner than you. She’s sweeter than you. She knows more about astronomy. He’s liked her for a lot longer than he’s even known you.

It’s a series of fights I can’t win. It makes me fuck the vibe harder, pushing back against that sharp desperate gnawing. It hurts, in every possible way, and moment to moment, I don’t know if it’s a bad or good hurt – I just know it’s intense.

His cock explodes into her mouth. It is the most amazing blow job of his life. I know I can’t compare.

My muscles seize around the vibrator, and I have an orgasm so intense I feel like I’m in mortal danger. Dizzy, I lie in the bed, smirking, reflecting.

I glance at the clock. I’ve killed about 20 minutes.

Back downstairs. Another glass of wine. I busy myself for a bit, and then another harmless thought hits me that slides down the path to insecurity, and the hot ache returns. Back to the bedroom, stabbing my desire to death with the vibe. Rinse, repeat.

When he does return, it’s late. We catch up on what happened on his date (dinner, make out, no sex), and then I’m all dirty talk and hands all over him. I need to impale myself on him. As I ride him, I’m still thinking about losing in every conceivable match-up, and it feels so exquisitely good and terrible that before I know it, I’m dying from the orgasm.

I sleep better than I have in ages. My insides feel perfect.

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    1. Welcome aboard!

      I can tell you, 7 years into the crazy journey I’ve been on, that it has been terrifying, intense, unpredictable — but most of all, amazing.

      I’ve grown so much. Lots of things, but the ones that jump to mind: I’ve become really brave and really organized.

      “One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” -Andre Gide

  1. This is fantastic! I’ve been exploring cuckolding (have a few thoughtful posts on the subject: “Sperm Wars” and “Mind Bender”) and have had a surprising number of women share fantasies around themselves being cuckolded. Your description of your own mind-fuck as you wait is so intense and filled with insight. Thanks for bringing inside your erotic thoughts and emotions as you wait…

    1. Thanks. So I’m not sure how hooked into the polyamory subculture you are, but there’s a phenomenon for a lot of newbie couples opening upto adopt the One Penis Policy, i.e., both male and female partner of the couple can pursue as many women as possible but men are off limits. The OPP is generally looked down on with derision and scorn. My current anchor partner (male) was stunned to discover that when I’m involved with men that it makes him way more jealous than when I see women (note: he doesn’t forbid,it just makes him more insecure). He was worried he was some kind of bigot since poly culture largely mocks this phenomenon as unfair and misogynistic.

      Thankfully, I knew about sperm competition in the animal kingdom so I was able to set his mind at ease that the difference in comfort is hardwired and normal. It’s also why so many more men enjoy being cuckolded than women.

      So Sperm Wars was a good read and I’m glad you’re adding to the discussion.

      1. Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I’m more familiar with cuckolding than polyamory and your reply was informative. Your partners reaction does seem “normal” within the lifestyle. It seemed you had some variation of this going through you in this post as well. It was interesting to see how a woman experiences that erotic tension. Hope you’re having a great weekend.

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