_I want to negotiate, _Seth writes, _but I don’t even know where to start. _
A hot girl wants to top him, he adds, one from our old poly/swing circle back in Maine. I know her but not well.
_Talk about your fantasies. Talk about what you’d like to get out of the arrangement. Talk about what you’ve done with others in the past (if anything). Talk about your limits. _Talk about pain. You need to figure out how much pain you each want in the picture, find the overlap on the Venn diagram. You’ll want to find this overlap on basically everything you discuss.
Most importantly, talk about how to stop a scene. How do you indicate you’re done? A simple “no” or “stop” works well for most things when you’re starting out unless you’re playing with non-consent scenarios or you can’t speak for some reason (gagged, drunk on endorphins, etc).
A lot of it you won’t know until you’re trying things. And you don’t need to figure everything out all at once. If you’re continuing to develop the relationship, you never stop negotiating.
***
Seth and I are over 3 years from our divorce now, amicably separated. Whenever we talk, we’re both reminded why we’re no longer married. We had fun, for sure, but never quite gelled in a way that completely satisfied us for cohabitation and certainly not monogamy (although we made it 10 years, 8 of them mono).
Still, talking to him provides a window into what I left behind when I ran away to Ohio to join the sex circus. Most has stayed the same. He’s still with Megan, with whom he and I had a triad for some months before they began to date separately after the OMG Threesome Brain Explosion effect faded and it became evident that their energy together was far superior to that of us three together. DRUNK still meets at the barn for swinging, shenanigans, and swagger.
But what has changed? They’re all now getting into kink.
These are the same friends who teased me mercilessly in the months before Ieft Maine about my love of getting spanked, my excitement at being called “pet” by the boyfriend I visited in Cleveland. These were times when I knew very little about myself as a kinkster, only that it felt fresh and raw and terribly exciting. When Seth disclosed it to them, and my desires and explorations were met with mockery? It was profoundly disappointing.
And yet here they are. Discussing orgasm denial. Wearing ben wa balls.
Skyspook’s take: Now that kink has hit mainstream with Fifty Shades (as tepid and problematic of an introduction as it really is), it’s socially acceptable enough for them to give it a try.
On some level, the elaborate games that really thrill me and make me feel alive could very well be someone else’s fad. The Crocs of sex, quirky, not for everyone, but comfortable for some and tolerated by most.
For all I know, however, this curiosity will blossom into something quite gratifying for them, and towards that, I wish my old friends well.