If You Don’t Like Eating Pussy, Just Say So: A Pubic Service Announcement

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Stop lying your ass off in dating profiles and new relationships.

Look, I get it. When you’re trying to meet potential partners or develop a new relationship, you want to put your best face forward. You highlight your best features, smooth over your faults. It’s like a job interview for sex, love, companionship, all that wonderful stuff. It’s okay to market yourself well, great even.

It still doesn’t give you license to make bold-faced lies or try to pass as the person you think the other person wants you to be.

One whopper that seems to be in vogue these days is men who say they love to give oral pleasure to women. On Fetlife, the kinksters’ Facebook, it’s not at all uncommon to see a male member who lists that he’s looking for new partners with “into cunnilingus (giving)” on his fetish list or to detail at great length in his profile just how much he enjoys the act. You don’t say? What a niche fetish you have there, so uncommon, and surely no woman but the most depraved would allow herself to be the recipient of such an act… oh wait, I see what you did there.

Okay, okay. Maybe I’m being a little harsh. I know there are plenty of men out there who enjoy eating pussy, or at least don’t mind it terribly much if the conditions are clean and hairless or at least well trimmed, but I’ve also noticed a disturbing pattern of misrepresentation in this very manner in my sex life and and in those  close to me. I’d meet a guy. Through the course of dating, we’d have what I thought was a frank back and forth discussion about our sexual preferences, views on different acts, how we experienced sex in general, and what we wanted to get out of it all prior to hopping in the sack. Without prompting, more than a few would bring up the topic of going down on a woman, praising the act, often saying, “It’s one of my favorite things to do.”

And then an awkward 30 seconds of jerky tongue convulsions later, scattered across my vulva, none of them actually making contact with my clitoris, a dismount, some transparent lie like, “My jaw is tired,” or “That’s just making me too horny, let’s fuck.” Uh huh. Likely story.

Unless… Oh no, maybe there’s something wrong with my pussy! Maybe you got down there and decided it was a crime scene, not a place to put that delicate little mouth of yours.

Or maybe you are a filthy, filthy liar.

Just stop lying already. You’re giving me a complex.

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