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It Can Confuse Others When You’re Not Looking to Date New People While Polyamorous

·442 words·3 mins

In monogamous dating, there’s this idea that it’s a good move to take some time after a breakup to reflect. To just do you for a while. To think about what happened in that former relationship, what went right and what went wrong, before you jump back into things.

If you don’t, people warn you, you risk having the dreaded rebound relationship.

However, the reality is that research doesn’t support the idea that getting back out there quickly is detrimental and  one study found that people who have rebound relationships get over their ex-partner more quickly and feel more confident (as  did this one) — AND research has also found that  “rebounds” don’t seem to be any more prone to relationship instability than relationships started after a long break from dating

But here’s the thing: Just because it isn’t harmful to date soon after a breakup, it doesn’t mean that you have to do it. If you don’t feel like dating, you don’t have to date. And if you want to take a break from dating new folks for any reason, I think that’s fine. In fact, my current partner did just that, took a break from dating, stayed single, and worked on themselves. This period of no dating for them was prior to finding polyamory. In fact, when they did start dating again, they did so polyamorously. And when they did return to dating, they had more success than ever before (among other things, they met me).

But I’m finding my own period of being semi-closed to dating new people over a decade later to be rather awkward. Part of it, I think, is that not only am I polyamorous, but I’m also very social. I tend to go out and meet new people. And I find it very easy to connect with others, on a number of levels. It creates a situation where it is very puzzling to others that I’m not looking and am actually semi-opposed to picking up new partners at the moment. (I’ve even had people express interest in me, and they’re great, but my head is just not in that space.)

But it is what it is. My health hasn’t been great. I’ve been dealing with grief. And my relationship with myself is taking so much more time and energy than it has in a very long time.

I’m not traditionally polysaturated, but I’m polysatisfied.

I have no idea how long the current state of affairs lasts. But for now, it’s working for me. I’m enjoying the simplicity and reconnecting with myself. Maybe it’s confusing to other people, but it’s not confusing to me. At all.


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