I’m bad at telling the people in my life that I’m sad when I am. It’s something I’ve been working on. It’s hard for me.
Because many times when I tell other people I’m sad or not doing well, then they get sad in response. Which is nice on one level, I suppose, since it means they probably care about me and want me to be happy. But on the other hand, when they get sad like that, then I feel like I’m being depressing, which just makes me more sad… and…
It just cycles. Spins around in a horrible pattern that’s seemingly impossible to break, until finally someone has had enough, and the sad turns to conflict.
And ugh. it’s the worst.
It’s just easier, given all that, to keep my feelings to myself. Although there comes a point when it becomes obvious to other people, and they notice. Especially with my nesting partner, because it’s kind of hard to avoid them. After all, we do live together.
Anyway, by the time they notice, I’ve typically gotten bad at hiding it — because I’m exhausted from the effort and the feelings of sadness have intensified. And I’ll end up in this cycle then, whether I want to or not.
Telling them it’s okay, I’m just having a hard day. Comforting them and forcing smiles until I’m left alone, but all the while knowing I didn’t exactly do a convincing job.
And then at times like those, I’ll find myself getting these insecure goggles about everything. I’ll go online and see that other people are happy, that they’re posting fun things, everyone’s laughing and having a good time, and I’ll ask myself, “Why can’t you be happy like those people? Why do you have to be such an effing downer?”
And when that happens, I’ll find myself imagining all my friends leaving me — the downer — behind and rightfully going off to have the fun that I seem incapable of having.
And I’ll have to take a deep breath when that happens and remind myself that it’s okay to be Eeyore sometimes. It’s not going to insta-ruin my life. After all, the original depressed donkey article was always gloomy, and yet he still had friends. He still went on adventures.
So I’ll probably be just fine.
And so will you, my gloomy friends.