It took a long time to get there, but it was a huge breakthrough when I did. For the longest time, I worried what other people thought of me. This by itself was not a problem. Human beings are obligate social animals. We want to be accepted, to be liked, and to fit in somewhere.
N o, the trouble wasn’t that I wanted to be liked. The trouble was that I wasn’t specific. I wanted everyone to like me, you see. And the flaw in my logic never occurred to me. Why would I want everyone to like me? I didn’t even like everyone.
It made no sense to want something from the world that I myself couldn’t give. But there I was. Like a lot of people, I had a double standard from what I was giving the world and what I expected to get from the world.
But I wouldn’t see this gap in my thinking for quite a long time. Not globally anyway — from a 10,000-foot point of view. Instead, it would occur to me in a more granular way.
I would see it when it came to certain individuals.
One day it would dawn on me that it was quite silly to worry about whether petty people liked me. Because I didn’t really like them anyway.
I’m frankly not a fan of people who judge others harshly and unfairly. So if they judge me in that manner, it’s not really a waste to not have them as friends, is it? Viewed through another lens, it saves me a lot of time and aggravation.
What a gamechanger to realize that everyone I respected wouldn’t judge others so harshly. And that if I don’t respect someone, their approval isn’t all that important.
You’re Not Going to Be Liked By Everyone… Learning to Be Liked “Enough” #
One of my favorite ways of thinking about the subject came out spontaneously when I was counseling a friend who had checked in with me because someone else had criticized them in a way that just didn’t ring true.
It didn’t ring true to me either. I started with that — but then found myself leaping to another point. “And anyway, let’s say they have a point,” I said.
“Oh?”
“Let’s say you have flaws. We all do.”
They nodded.
“Are you really hurting for companionship right now?” I continued. “Is this flaw actually causing problems in a large way in your social life — other than with this one person?”
They thought about it for a moment. “No,” they said. For this friend was quite popular and a joy to spend time with. Quirky, sure, but in a way that I found generally pleasant (as did many others).
“Maybe you’re not perfect,” I said. “You’re not going to be liked by everyone. No one is. But I can confidently say that you’re liked enough.”