“What I’ve always liked about you,” she tells me, “is that you’re not one of those people who whip out your rah rah polyamory pom poms.”
“Thanks,” I say. “I think.”
“I mean it as a compliment,” she continues. “Like… you’re definitely supportive of polyamory — and other forms of consensual non-monogamy — but you know how to read a room.”
“Well, polyamory doesn’t really need me as a cheerleader either. It can take care of itself,” I say. “And besides, it’s just an option. A viable one that I was raised to believe wasn’t viable, which is part of why I’ve tried to be open about my experiences with it. But monogamy is also viable itself.”
“Yeah, that’s part of why I read your work even though I’m monogamous,” she says. “You’re never like ‘monogamy sucks!'”
“That’s because I don’t think monogamy sucks,” I say. “To be fair, most polyamorous people don’t think monogamy sucks either. But I guess the fact that I’ve been open about being ambiamorous has underscored that, that I’m fine with monogamy as a system. That I don’t think it’s a terrible idea.”
As an ambiamorous person, I’m about equally happy being in a monogamous relationship or a non-monogamous relationship system. Relationship structure isn’t my primary concern when it comes to dating and living my life. Who the people involved are and how they treat me (and each other, if I’m in a relationship system) is far more important to me than how many people I’m dating at once (and/or how many people the people I’m dating are dating at once). I’ve written about it a lot on Poly Land and have written about it for other websites (for example, this article, which explains more about ambiamory and why someone might identify this way as opposed to something like relationship anarchist, a label that also fits me pretty well).
“It’s interesting that you don’t cheer lead because you are passionate about the work you do,” she says.
I nod. “I am passionate. But I’m not passionate about converting people to polyamory, especially if it’s not something that would fit with their life or make sense for them. What I am passionate about, however, is making sure people approach their relationships intentionally. And that they treat each other well, regardless of what that looks like.”
“But no, I’m not much of a cheerleader,” I admit. “For any team, really.”