My ex-husband really loved to relax. It was his Thing. The best day for him was one where he played either computer or video games all day long. And had lots of tasty snacks. Maybe order in some pizza. Or go out to eat for Chinese buffet.
That was his happy time, if he could sit and play games and relax. You could look at his week and calculate how good it was based on the proportion of it spent just chilling.
I remember this took me some getting used to when I moved in with him. Because I was wired differently. I loved playing games, but I couldn’t sit and play them all day without feeling guilty. I had to do something every day that was arguably productive. Otherwise, when I went to play video games and “chill,” I’d find I couldn’t enjoy myself. I’d keep feeling bad about not getting anything done. Even on weekends, yes (or I should say, on my days off, since in those days I had a mid-week “weekend”).
So I’d do some chores or meal prep. I’d tackle any little project I could find. Then — and only then — could I enjoy myself. It was like a toll that had to be paid before I could get where I needed to be.
Is There Such Thing as a Wasted Day?
As the label heavily implies, ex-husband and I went on to part ways. I eventually remarried. The second time around, I married someone who is a lot more like me in a lot of ways. This issue is no exception. My husband has a really hard time sitting and doing nothing all day. He has to be working on something. He does just sit and chill but never for an entire day at a time.
I clean diligently all week only to find on the weekend that he’s ripped apart some oddly specific corner of our home and is attacking it for a deep cleaning.
It’s funny… because when I met him one of the things I most loved about him was that I found it easy to relax around him. It’s kind of funny because my ex-husband loved to relax, but I didn’t find it particularly easy to relax around him. Part of it is that relaxing isn’t easy for me to do. I’ve struggled in the past with hypervigilance and anxiety that makes me feel like I always have to be on my guard.
But it was easy to relax with my second husband. And I’m not sure why. Because he’s not particularly laid back either.
But together we just work. We have a way of calming one another’s energy, just by being around one another. And it’s not something you find every day.
I spend less time these days worrying that I’m wasting days. I find myself wondering if there even is such a thing as a wasted day, so long as you’re somewhere you’re supposed to be.
And while I may be living through a very dark time, I know I’m supposed to be right next to him.