Long ago and far away, I was involved in some pretty hot and heavy sexy-time banter with a guy I was dating and rather smitten with.
In general, he was pretty good at the dirty talk. Which was one of the reasons I liked him so much. Because we had good overlap there.
That’s the thing about dirty talk, actually. It’s not just about saying filthy things. It’s about having good overlap on what you find exciting and being able to express that well.
Anyway, he was on a roll, and I was pretty fired up.
And then he said something that took me completely out of it: He told me that he wanted me to stop using a vibrator. That he wanted me to use only my hands and fingers from now on if I masturbated.
I was a little confused by this. I asked why.
And instead of actually answering me, he completely dodged the question. Just snapped and said that it was a courtesy I should extend him. Changed the subject.
It was frankly kind of weird.
I’ve Encountered Many Men Over the Years Who Are Intimidated by Vibrators
And he wasn’t the only guy I’d encounter over the years who would be weird about vibrators. Who didn’t want me using them on my own and certainly not bringing one into the bedroom while we were having sex. (Even though like any bit of prop or costuming, they could be used quite skillfully to enhance a performance.)
And inevitably, whenever I’d ask about why a man was vibrator shy, I’d get mostly uncomfortable silence and topic changes.
Well alrighty then.
I found myself consulting male friends on the issue. And they happily spilled the beans. They told me that a lot of guys felt intimidated by vibrators. Viewed them almost as competition. If a woman could be brought more easily to orgasm by a machine, then what did that mean about one’s manhood?
You Don’t Replace the Experience of Being with Another Person
“Um,” I said, unimpressed, “A vibrator isn’t a man. Or a woman. Or any other kind of person. It’s a machine.”
To my thinking, it wasn’t any different than using a whip or a paddle in BDSM instead of striking someone with your bare hands. It was a tool. But it didn’t replace a person.
Using a vibrator on your own is waaaay different than using it with someone else. And anyway, it wasn’t like the only reason I dated someone else — or even the only reason I would have sex with someone else — would be to have an orgasm.
There were so many other important sensual experiences. Being held. Being kissed. And… being seen, attended to, considered.
Reducing Themselves to Their Penis and Being Threatened by Mechanized Ones
It was a strange thing. It told me that these men thought they were primarily a penis to me. And when compared to the mechanized penis, they’d never be able to hold their own weight.
It was a bizarre premise, all of it. That I’d reduce them and the entire experience of physical intimacy down to one organ. (Especially since I tend to be more attracted to women anyway — something that all of these partners knew. Making it very strange that I’d be so reductionist as to believe sex = penis….)
I’ve Had Better Sex and Relationships With Men Who Aren’t Intimidated by Vibrators
Anyway, thankfully, not all men I’ve dated have been like this. And I’ve found that I tend to have better sex and better relationships with men who aren’t intimidated by vibrators.
But perhaps there’s something important I’m missing here! Sadly, the men I’ve dated who were intimidated by vibrators were also unwilling to talk about why, so it’s entirely possible.