I’m Communicosexual and Communicoromantic. Are You?

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Communicosexual (adjective): finding the ability to effectively communicate and hold enjoyable conversation sexually attractive or arousing

Communicoromantic (adjective): being romantically attracted to individuals with which one can have effective communication and enjoyable conversation

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When it comes to dating and love, I’m actually pretty flexible in my expectations. I’m open to dating all sorts of folks. And I don’t have a lot of firm requirements.

Really, as I think through my entire dating history, the ups and downs, when I think over what didn’t work in my past, I can only think of one insurmountable obstacle: If I can’t communicate with someone, I can’t date them. At least not happily.

It’s a big of a dealbreaker as anything I’ve ever encountered.

If they don’t want to expend the time or effort to talk over things with me, it’s a death knell to the relationship.

If we generally don’t understand one another when we talk, it’s a death knell. Especially if the pattern persists after one or both of us expends considerable effort trying to bridge the gap.

If they don’t seem to genuinely enjoy talking with me and/or I don’t genuinely enjoy talking with them, that’s also a death knell.

In the past, I did try to make relationships work where we didn’t communicate well with one another. And where we couldn’t have enjoyable conversations with one another. Where my partner and I just couldn’t connect on that particular level.

And while I managed to make one relationship like that last for many years, I was never really happy or fulfilled. I was frankly miserable. And the moment I met someone that I not only could effectively communicate with but also seemed to enjoy talking with me (and that I enjoyed talking to), everything changed.

I felt understood by someone I was dating. For the first time in nearly a decade.

And when I feel understood, I feel loved.

What Makes a Good Communicator?

Communication is complicated. It’s not a matter of raw analytical intelligence. Processing speed. Being able to ace standardized tests.

Good communication is not about knowing longer or more complicated words. Or speaking high-flown prose.

No, it’s something else. Intangible. But definitely perceptible. And what exactly good communication looks like can vary depending on who we’re trying to talk (or listen) to.

But generally speaking, a partner who communicates well is genuinely interested in other people and what they are going through. They are patient enough to listen carefully and are able to take someone else’s perspective, able to humor an idea even if it’s something they don’t necessarily 100% agree with.

They have good mental and emotional boundaries — because they know the difference between their own thoughts and feelings and that of the person they’re talking to, instead of simply projecting their own inner life onto others and reacting reflexively to that.

And because they are self-aware, a good communicator can clearly state what is important to them to those closest to them — or at least a close approximation of it, since it can be quite difficult to distill thoughts down into words.

Most importantly of all, a good communicator is one who tries to be good at communication, even if they don’t always succeed. And they are brave enough to put their true thoughts and feelings out there, even if it takes courage and leaves them feeling a little vulnerable.

The Pursuit of Enjoyable Conversation

There is, of course, a bit more to it than that. For a communicosexual or communicoromantic, effective communication is lovely but may not be enough on its own to thrill and delight. The conversations they have in their relationships also need to be enjoyable.

What makes an enjoyable conversation? Well, that’s even harder to pin down than what makes a good communicator. It’s far more subjective.

Generally, a communicosexual or communicoromantic is incredibly attracted to individuals with whom they have exciting, fulfilling, or gratifying conversations. What that looks like depends on a variety of factors including their interests and temperament.

But if I find myself really wanting to talk to someone over and over again and getting very excited about it, it’s the surest sign that I’m into them.

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Please note: Being a great communicator is not the same thing as being intelligent. I’ve known plenty of great communicators who weren’t particularly intelligent (not in a conventional sense) and horrible communicators who were very intelligent (in a conventional sense).

Additionally it’s not contingent on neurotypicality. I also have had a number of friends and partners who are on the spectrum that I have communicated quite well with.

And people who don’t communicate well aren’t bad people. I just will probably not be attracted to them. I am only one person, however.

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Books by Page Turner:

A Geek’s Guide to Unicorn Ranching

Poly Land: My Brutally Honest Adventures in Polyamory 

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