A Single Yankee in King Arthur’s Relationship Web: Single and Surrounded by Poly People

a weathered sign that reads "welcome to Camelot," the land of King Arthur
Image by Gareth Judge / CC BY

Today’s post is a guest blog post from my dear friend John. This basically came about because I was chasing the poor guy around and going, “You should write a post for my blog. It’s gotta be super weird being a mono guy surrounded by poly people.”

“Well, more like single,” John would say. And remind me that he has been involved with poly women, just not for a while.

So I felt kind of like a tool for getting that wrong. (Sorry, John.) But since John is a good guy, he totally delivered!

Here is John’s regular blog. And check out what he wrote for Poly Land:

A Single Yankee in King Arthur’s Relationship Web

Hi! My name is John and I was approached to write a guest article based on my perspective as a single person surrounded by poly people in my everyday life and the pros and cons of such a lifestyle.

The Pros

I’ll start with Pros: There aren’t any that aren’t extant in being single in the monogamous world, which amounts to not having a full calendar of metamours to negotiate when you are trying to schedule a date. Any good relationship (or set thereof) is going to afford you the freedom to do what you want to do with your life.

Okay, I thought of one: If you are truly lazy (as I am) you don’t have to spend much time or energy keeping up with who is dating whom.

The Cons

Moving on to the Cons: Poly friend groups can be incestuous. A is dating B and C, C is dating D, B is married to E, and E and D have a non-sexual cuddle buddy set up. So where does that leave you as a single person entering such a group? You have to scout out and map these webs.

I’ve known my group of friends for most of a decade now. Most of them are some form of poly. I’ve been single the vast majority of that time, mostly my fault since I’m too nervous to talk to anyone or say, “Hey you’re interesting, can we grab some coffee?”

I’ve noticed that poly people tend to maintain levels of casual contact and affection even with people they no longer date as long as the friendship survived the relationship. This can be hard as a single outsider going to gatherings and feeling like you are intruding on a series of small intimate moments.

As people break off into cuddle piles and makeout sessions you are left to twiddle your thumbs and try to look like you aren’t being a creepy voyeur. I know all about this uncomfortable position and often find myself leaving gatherings early just to avoid the situation, which can deprive you of a potential good time.

Being Single is What You Make of It

Going back over this, it seems the cons are pretty bad, but if I were among monogamous friends, it could be much the same but in paired off couples rather than a bunch of super attractive people who would be more than welcoming if I were to make the effort to be social. So I guess in the end being ‘single’ and the benefits thereof are what you make of it.

*

Thanks, John!

We’re definitely on the lookout for different perspectives on polyamory and relationships in general.

If you have an idea for a guest blog post that you’d like to run by us, you can write us here.

 

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4 Comments

  1. John, stop judging yourself so harshly!
    It’s a thoughtful, well-written piece.
    If it had needed to be picked apart, Page certainly would have done so.
    Trust her judgment.
    Rest in a job well done. —💋Teresa

  2. (Oh, and I’m irrationally in love with the present tense for things that happened in the past. Which is considered a sophomoric no-no. An undeserved shortcut to narrative urgency.

    And clearly fragments.

    Eff their grammar standards, I say.)

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