It’s been over 2 years since my divorce was finalized, and it’s funny. The more time that passes, the more it feels like my first marriage was something that happened to someone else. It’s a gentle and gradual process learning how to be married to someone else, especially when Skyspook is so radically different from my ex. Probably the most striking difference between them is that Skyspook is ambitious and achievement-focused and dreams of really making a positive impact on the world where my ex was a consummate slacker (and proud of it) who professed that the purpose of life was “being happy” by avoiding pain. Skyspook is tough, passionate, adventurous, and brilliant. He’s everything I ever wanted and possesses all the qualities I was told time and time again (by the world at large and people in my life) didn’t actually exist in one person.
However, for the longest time, I found myself worried that Skyspook would react to me the way my ex did or that healthy disagreements would spiral into the all-night fight fests that plagued my first marriage in its final year. This caused me to act neurotically for no good reason, which I’m sure was annoying and confusing to Skyspook.
Thankfully, I’ve noticed that lately it’s subsiding. I suppose the new job is also helping me with my confidence. I’m finding myself just saying things to Skyspook, with confidence, without worrying how it’s going to be received… I’ve stopped walking on eggshells. Of course, this has resulted in my coming across as curt/snippy on at least one occasion, but I’m counting it as a “win” regardless because it marks the departure of a long-unwelcome anxiety that’s no longer serving its purpose (for all the stress that it induced, that worry may have bought my first marriage a few extra months, after all).
I’m still not really sure what to do with the fact that someone so wonderful loves me and wants to be with me (it just doesn’t fit into my self-concept or the way I perceive myself or what I deserve at all — such things are formed early, and I had a rocky go of things, especially in adolescence), but I’m quite heartened by the obvious emotional progress.