The Fourth was terrific. Spook and I drove up to Michigan to hang with his wonderful family, largely composed of hippies. We ate yummy food while catching each other up on the goings on in our various lives, and then Spook and his brother shot off an impressive battery of fireworks in the swamp.
I was still wound pretty tight when we’d gotten there. Completely unaware of what was happening, I’d developed a full-blown adjustment disorder in the face of the new job, particularly surrounding commuting/traffic anxiety. I remember eating a hamburger at the dinner table with Spook’s family, and my vision greying out nearly completely before recovering a few seconds later. A stress reaction — and not a particularly adaptive one seeing as it was Thursday evening, and I wouldn’t even have to drive (what I believed to be the trigger) until Monday morning. However, as I spent more time there, I found myself improving — aside from a bout of tears close to when we left brought about when I was explaining to Spook’s mother how stressed I’d been and some of the insecurities underlying that stress (that I’m in over my head, that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew living in the big city with the fancy job and big city commute). Recounting this brought everything to the surface and made it raw again.
Personality theorist Henry Murray outlined a number of vital needs in order to explain a person’s disposition, what forces drive us as people. Personally, while I’m very motivated by my needs for affiliation (desire to foster close friendships) and achievement (desire to accomplish things), it’s my need for infavoidance that’s been pulling the strings behind the scenes for so long. “The need for infavoidance” is an obscure but very specific term (which in my book makes it useful) describing a person’s need to avoid being criticized, embarrassed, or humiliated.
I’ve realized lately I spend a great deal of time trying to excel but not for excellence’s sake but so that I’ll be superb enough so that no one will criticize me. I’m so afraid of looking like a fool that I over-shoot normal goals to prevent falling short.
I have changed enormously over the last 3 years… I’ve ended unhealthy relationships in my life (through breakups, divorce, etc) and started the most fulfilling and supportive one of my life (with Skyspook), I’ve gone to therapy and learned how to better cope with life with my unusual (dependent) personality, I went back to school and finished my bachelor’s at a busy urban campus (unthinkably nominated for valedictorian), and now I’ve landed a great professional position in my field where I get treated like a grown up and am getting a TON of useful job experience.
This is all good, but I’m also out farther on a limb than I’ve ever been — much farther than I ever even THOUGHT I’d go.
And every one of my molecules has been terrified that the branch will break out from underneath me.
*
It’s Monday night. I’ve cooked dinner for us. My driving confidence improves every day. Today’s journeys themselves were unremarkable, and I’m free of the instant replay that’s plagued me for days.
I’m exhausted and zen. And very much in love.
For now at least, my groove is back. I can dig it.