I need to write about this because one day I’ll have worked everything out and be so far beyond my current troubles that I’ll forget how I got past this point.
I can hazard a guess, but I don’t know for sure exactly when or why everything changed. Somehow somewhere along the line I stopped listening to my emotions, my pain, my preferences, everything.
This emotional disconnect certainly had benefits – otherwise I never would have distanced myself in such a way – but it also carried a large cost. My low points seemed like they happened to someone else, a definite perk, but then, again my high points weren’t mine either. And questions about my opinions became impossibly difficult, arbitrary.
Recently, I heard my own inner voice again. At first, it was like a stranger living with me in my body. It’s soft and subtle. It feels like a quivering inside of me, but I feel it stirring, and I know when it moves, and if I focus, I know what it wants. What I want.