Do I Think That Past Trauma Made Me Kinky?

Short answer:

No.

Long answer:

People within the kink community who don’t have histories of childhood trauma and abuse are just as common as those who do.

Still, to many, fifty-fifty may seem like a pretty high ratio of individuals with serious emotional baggage when compared to the general population.

However, I think this number is higher for a different reason: Kinky folks don’t necessarily have more trauma or emotional problems; they’re simply more willing to discuss them, especially with other kinky people, a more emotionally “safe” environment.

In a dungeon setting, vulnerabilities run high, and much of the emotional armor of both the top and bottom player falls away. I continually find myself in a dungeon’s social area or at a private kinky party discussing sensitive topics with my friends from the scene, sometimes mine but often theirs as well. There’s a shared intimacy that comes from being part of our special club, and I find myself getting to know my BDSM friends much faster and on a much deeper level than people I know in vanilla settings. It just comes with the territory.

Not only that, but with the potential for so many things to go wrong, and negotiation being key in risky play situations, many kinksters, especially the experienced and adept ones, have excellent communication skills and can tackle uncomfortable subjects with an ease that can be astonishing to a newcomer. You really have to be able to be frank in your discussion to obtain clear consent to do things like strap someone to a table and flog them! This is only bolstered by the fact that about half of my local community is polyamorous, and non-monogamous relationships require excellent communication skills from partners in order to survive and thrive.

I believe that we are surrounded by people with secret emotional scars. I don’t think survivors are some exotic race on people, broken, damaged, sequestered on an a mysterious island. I think they are all around us, whether we know it or not.

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