Slave Heart

May 23, 2011:

I’m in the midst of an incredible romance with Skyspook. He keeps doing things for me that I like, taking me places I like, etc, just because I like them (something I’m not at all used to). Also we are play fighting (hitting, wrestling, biting, etc) with a vengeance – that and spooning and talking about feelings have become a sort of foreplay. He also loves my writing, wants to read it, and talks to me about it (he loves it because of the insights it gives him into the way I think, he says). Our physical connection is undeniable. I was not expecting it at all… Skyspook is a rather large person in many senses, but I dig his body so carnally – with such immediacy – it’s staggering – the texture of his skin, the strength of his grasp… We are catalysts for one another, bringing out unexpected qualities in each of us, sexually, emotionally, mentally – and otherwise. I am very happy with him.

[We’d been dating 3 weeks.]

December 12, 2011:

(2:50:13 PM) I want you very badly – even just to hold you and touch your skin and perv on you 🙂 and then go off and get off – like even if you weren’t in a sexy mood
(2:50:18 PM) I’m craving you today
(2:50:57 PM) I get excited just touching you sometimes – or like now, thinking about touching you is making me excited
(2:53:55 PM) I get this weird (positive) tension
(2:54:11 PM) and with touch or triggering my fetishes, etc, the tension can blossom into an orgasm
(3:01:25 PM) thinking about your eyes turns me on, too
(3:10:51 PM) thinking about you using your strength in your legs to flip me onto my back, climbing on top of me.. mmm…
(3:32:05 PM) filling me, filling me, filling me
(3:32:20 PM) with each thrust


Over the last few months, I’ve started listening to Erotic Awakening, Dan and dawn’s podcast. I work four 10-hour shifts, so I have extra time off midweek that I often use to do chores around the house, and I find the podcast a perfect companion to this domestic service as D/s is still quite new to me, and I love learning all that I can from people who’ve been at it longer, spoken to more people, done more scenes, taken more classes, etc.

Even though I don’t typically use the term “slave” to describe my role, I often agree with much of what dawn says. Dan and dawn were talking about how leery they are of “Masters” who have never owned a slave, comparing and contrasting Doms with Masters or Owners. Dan flipped the question around to dawn, asked her if a slave who’d never had a Master was truly a slave. Dawn considered it and then responded that on some level she had always been a slave, even without a master – that she had a “slave heart.”

When she said that, something resonated so deeply within me. For years, I’ve longed for someone to serve, even without having the faintest clue that it was what I wanted, just that something felt “off.” I was in a few abusive relationships over the years, and while I couldn’t say that I “enjoyed” them by any stretch of the imagination, aspects of them excited me in a way I was loath to admit, and my more “healthy” relationships lacked the same kind of fire. It was only when I started talking to my ex-boyfriend, who was interested in being a Dom, that I really started being able to give a name to some of my strange desires, recognize their shape. And when I visited the dungeon for my first time last November, it was all over.


November 23, 2010:

I had my first dungeon experience last Saturday. It was fantastic to be exposed to so much truth, so much vulnerability around every turn. I also greatly appreciated the separate lounge area for when the rooms became too overwhelming..Though I really try not to be a slave to labels, I’m feeling more and more that the title of “pet” is a rather apt one for me and really captures a large chunk of my fundamental essence, sexual and otherwise – or somesuch.


It’s the “and otherwise” that gets you. When you realize submission is not only part of your sexual landscape, something spicy and fun to rev up the bedroom antics – but a vital part of your emotional fabric. When you recognize it as something sacred to you. Your heart.

I have kinky friends for whom submission is a hard limit, who deeply dislike pain, being told what to do. But for me, it is the most natural and reassuring way to live my life.


Little Clown, My Heart

Sandra Cisneros

Little clown, my heart,
Spangled again and lopsided,
Handstands and Peking pirouettes,
Backflips snapping open like
A carpenter’s hinged ruler,

Little gimp-footed hurray,
Paper parasol of pleasures,
Fleshy undertongue of sorrows,
Sweet potato plant of my addictions,

Acapulco cliff-diver corazón,
Fine as an obsidian dagger,
Alley-oop and here we go
Into the froth, my life,
Into the flames!

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