Mono-Flexible

This is the term Skyspook came up with to describe myself with regards with monogamy/non-monogamy.

I think my natural orientation is for monogamy, the simplicity. I am very sensitive, tend to get obsessed with romantic partners, and am easily satisfied.

At the same time, I am able to be polyamorous, have the skill set for managing multiple relationships and dealing with insecurities, etc, and certainly see the value of such relationships.

For me, it’s more of a question of diminishing returns, which is truly a personal question. And, for me, the sexual and emotional benefits of multiple relationships have in my experience simply not been worth the additional upkeep (stress, time, money, etc).

That being said, having been in polyamorous relationships for a few years and exploring so much with kink, I find it so much easier to trust and let go than I did when I was a married vanilla lady who hadn’t experienced an open marriage.

I’ve learned that partner selection is key. I tend to idealize people until it is too late.

I’ve had a number of folks inquire as to what sort of timeline there is on my “NO VACANCY” situation. Honestly, the more I explore myself in therapy, the more I realize I don’t think I want to return to dating multiple folks at once. If I did it, it’d be more that I wanted to give people a chance or fit into the kink community better – and indeed my initial foray into poly was to be a “good wife” when what I really wanted deep inside was for my husband to pay more attention to me, something I’ve had to take a hard look at.

Another trouble is how susceptible to genuine (read, not play or consensual) abuse I am. My risk for maltreatment increases exponentially with each person I allow myself to be truly vulnerable with (how I express and feel love). I just don’t have the normal defense mechanisms most people have to prevent it.

The most important relationship I am working on right now is my relationship with myself, and it’s going to take a tremendous amount of work. I don’t know if I’ll ever be done.

However, I loathe dictating or controlling anyone’s behavior, so if Skyspook chooses that he wants to pursue other relationships, then we can discuss that and come to an understanding, though we both acknowledge it could and probably would change the nature of our connection, but for the record, I have not made monogamy an ultimatum of my companionship to him.

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1 Comment

  1. I know that this is really old but I love the way you describe yourself as mono-flexible. I have had a few failed attempts at polyamory, and I have been toying with the idea that maybe I don’t have a problem with monogamy per se– though I don’t like being controlled and I don’t like the idea of controlling what my other partner does. And wondering if I can make a partner my primary without trying to force them to do the same toward me, unless they so desire. Kind of like having a best friend but not trying to force the idea that you are their best friend too.

    I really love the idea of an open relationship, and I would like for all of my relationships to be open from here on out. But I feel like if I am content with just one person, then that’s fine too. And if they desire to have multiple partners, then they can (but everyone has to get tested regularly). I am very glad I found this post, and this blog. I am very similar to you in my behavior in relationships. I tend to be very open and vulnerable. I have what some call an “anxious attachment style.” I am very intimate and honest, and I recently left an abusive relationship, and then ended a dating relationship over some issues with poly and my insecurity.

    I am now working on myself, and I am hoping that I’ll be ready to date again, someday LOL

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