Musicians Who Prefer to Play in Groups Aren’t Considered Selfish, But Lovers Who Prefer Groups Are

it's a drawing of a drum set
Image by Pixabay / CC 0

I’m sitting with my girlfriend Ro at a jazz club. The band tonight is incredible. They tell us they drove directly to Cleveland from New Orleans, their home base. A 16-hour drive. But listening to them, you’d never know. If this is what rolling off the tour bus and phoning it in sounds like, I can’t imagine what their peak performance would be.  » Read more

Continue Reading

Kindness Misers: “I’m Always Doing Everything for Everyone Else”

3 stacks of silver coins, of varying heights
Image by KMo Foto / CC BY

“I’m always doing everything for everyone else,” she says. “And where does it get me?”

I’m taken aback. I’m not sure where this is coming from. She’s got good qualities, but she’s far from anybody’s whipping boy. If anything, she’s more selfish than most.

“To hell with what they think,” she says,  » Read more

Continue Reading

Icing, Simmering, or Balancing Multiple Priorities? Another Way Polyamory Requires Trust

4 stones of different sizes, delicately balanced, on a beach
Image by orinoko42 / CC BY

I recently stumbled across a post over at Esther Perel’s blog called “Relationship accountability and the rise of ghosting.” Post author Lindsay addresses consequences of the trend towards ambiguous entanglement and indirect and prolonged breakups and argues for more direct breakups, which they dub “power parting.”

It’s a good article with valid points and includes this chart that helpfully organizes the concepts.  » Read more

Continue Reading

Any Particular Person: On Growing Up Catering to Difficult People

a close up of piano keys, bathed in red light
Image by Juan Antonio Segal / CC BY

Born with a Target on My Back

I wasn’t allowed to be particular.

Growing up, only two people in my family were allowed to be particular. One was my sister Alice. Her default state was disgust. Dismay.

Alice was nasty. Particular. And catered to. She was consulted first on where she wanted to go whenever the family went out to eat.  » Read more

Continue Reading

Memo to Future Dating Self: Screen for Self-Control

a set of 4 hand embroidered brains
Image by Hey Paul Studios / CC BY

Empathy and Self-Control Are Linked

The Atlantic recently did an exciting piece on a new study by Alexander Soutschek of the University of Zurich. The results demonstrate that empathy and self-control both originate from the same area of the brain, suggesting a link between them. As Ed Yong of The Atlantic writes:

Press your right index finger to the top of your right ear,  » Read more

Continue Reading