PQ 16.7 — What accommodations do I make if one of my partners experiences jealousy?

a close up of a matrix of prison bars
Image by mitchell haindfield / CC BY

PQ 16.7 — What accommodations do I make if one of my partners experiences jealousy?

*

You know, when it comes to my anchor partner, I’m really lucky.

Not because he never experiences jealousy (he most certainly does), but because he understands a very crucial distinction between the following two things:

  1. What you’re doing is causing me pain.
  2.   » Read more

Continue Reading

PQ 14.5 — Is everyone affected by the agreement at the table negotiating it?

a blackboard with the chalk outline of two hands engaged in a handshake superimposed over a rainbow tinted map of the world
Image by Pixabay / CC 0

PQ 14.5 — Is everyone affected by the agreement at the table negotiating it?

*

Ooooo… This one is a flashback:  PQ 10.3 – Does everyone affected by the agreement have the opportunity to be involved in setting its terms?

In that piece, I talk about a situation in which you answer an ad to live with two roommates only to find that they’ve unilaterally decided that not only are you paying a third of the rent (which is fair),  » Read more

Continue Reading

PQ 13.2 — If I feel a desire to restrict relationships between my partners and their partners, what underlying need am I trying to meet?

a burgundy background with what seem to be fleur-de-lis watermarks. It reads "MAGICK" in a fancy script in silver metallic letters
Image by Hayder Hoozeer / CC BY

PQ 13.2 — If I feel a desire to restrict relationships between my partners and their partners, what underlying need am I trying to meet?

*

I used to spend a lot of time when I was a kid thinking about magic. It was all the rage in middle school especially.  » Read more

Continue Reading

PQ 11.6 — Do I know whether the rules that apply to my relationship are subject to change? If so, who may change them, and how? What input will I have into those changes?

a sculpture that is the bust of the philosopher Heraclitus, the philosopher. He looks like a man with a full beard.
Image by Michael Coté / CC BY

PQ 11.6 — Do I know whether the rules that apply to my relationship are subject to change? If so, who may change them, and how? What input will I have into those changes?

Individual Rules Are Like Mini-Agreements

As I wrote recently, these days I’m a little leery of “rules,” while at the same time understanding how they were absolutely invaluable when I was a brand new poly person.  » Read more

Continue Reading

PQ 11.5 — Do I clearly understand both the letter and the intent of the rules that will apply to my relationship? Am I comfortable maintaining a relationship within those rules? Am I comfortable with the reasons for the rules?

a steel sign with raised letters that say "THE LAW" viewed from an angle
Image by biscuitsmlp / CC BY

PQ 11.5 — Do I clearly understand both the letter and the intent of the rules that will apply to my relationship? Am I comfortable maintaining a relationship within those rules? Am I comfortable with the reasons for the rules?

*

In my time, I’ve known some folks with very brief relationship agreements.  » Read more

Continue Reading

PQ 10.7 — Are my rules equally binding on everyone they affect, or do they create a double standard?

the head of a unicorn on the left back to back to with the head of a horn on the right who has a swords strapped to his head (where a unicorn's horn would be). Text below the image reads "A unicorn is magical but a horse with a sword taped to its head is awkward"
Image by Andy Mangold / CC BY

PQ 10.7 — Are my rules equally binding on everyone they affect, or do they create a double standard?

*

While everyone is going to have different needs, when creating a relationship agreement, it’s important not to place restrictions on others that you wouldn’t want placed on yourself.  » Read more

Continue Reading

PQ 5.2 — What needs do I have from my partners, in terms of time, emotional availability, commitment, communication and intimacy?

2 small wooden toys - they look like simplified version of people. they are "standing" close together
Image by JD Hancock / CC BY

PQ 5.2 — What needs do I have from my partners, in terms of time, emotional availability, commitment, communication and intimacy?

*

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I had a fixed idea of what a “partner” is.

But I don’t.

I look back on all the people that I’ve known and loved,  » Read more

Continue Reading