Choosing a Home with Non-Monogamy and Privacy in Mind

a sign that says Open House
Image by Pixabay / CC 0

“You know what I’m looking forward to the most about buying a house?” she says.

“What’s that?”

“Personal space. Privacy,” she says. “And lots of it.”

I nod. I know what she means. As it stands, it’s pretty much impossible to have a date over in her apartment and have any degree of privacy if her nesting partner is home.  » Read more

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Is It More Ethical to Hide a Metamour’s Insecurity From Your Partner? Or More Ethical to Tell Them?

a statue of Janus, a bearded man with two faces, one facing forward and one looking back
Image by DaveBleasdale / CC BY

Fall 2010

One night, my boyfriend Rob called me on the phone after his wife Michelle left for the library. It was a low-key conversation. Just chitchat, really. We weren’t even having phone sex or anything. At least not yet, although in recent weeks, we’d fallen into a habit of sliding into phone sex after initial introductions.  » Read more

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PQ 9.10 — Do I feel I have no expectation of privacy in my other relationships?

A chart labeled "A helpful Venn diagram." There is an orange circle on the left labeled "The Internet" and a green circle on the right labeled "privacy." They do not overlap whatsoever.
Image by Bernard Goldbach / CC BY

PQ 9.10 — Do I feel I have no expectation of privacy in my other relationships?


I’ve written a bit about the importance of letting others have privacy in an earlier piece: Buttinski, #1 Metamour, or Compervert: Walking that Fine Line. As I wrote then:

While an overall atmosphere of transparency is a wonderful thing in polyamory (as it can promote understanding and build trust),  » Read more

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Buttinski, #1 Metamour, or Compervert? Walking that Fine Line

a closeup image of a hotel key slot with a card inserted. the card reads "privacy please"
Image by hyku / CC BY

Buttinski Sign

Buttinski Sign. It is my Achilles heel. The thing that I find hardest about polyamory.  And it’s never what I’m asked about when people first learn I’m polyamorous. Usually, the most frequently asked question is something like “But don’t you get jealous?” (The answer to that question incidentally is yes occasionally, but not all the time,  » Read more

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PQ 3.2 — Polyamory and Boundaries, First Degree, Second Degree, and Beyond

3 red buckets hanging on a wall, each bucket says "fire" on it
Image by Adele Prince / CC BY

PQ 3.2 — Have I sought input from everyone affected? Have I obtained their consent where my decision overlaps their personal boundaries? (Chapter 3 questions are all asked in the context of ones to ask to evaluate whether your choices are ethical.)


This is truly one of the trickiest parts of polyamory —  » Read more

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Truth Drip: Titrating How Much We Share and When

an iv in the hospital
Image by marissa anderson / CC BY

It’s difficult to know how much to share about what goes on (sexually and otherwise) with one of your partners with another. It’s like titrating the truth, just like you would medicine in a hospital — a truth drip.

On the surface, it seems so easy. But you gotta be careful! You can overdose by saying too much or by saying too little.  » Read more

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