A Joke About the Difference Between Polyamorous Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary Relationships

booze on rocks
Image by Freedom II Andres / CC BY

There’s a joke that goes a little something like this:

Q: What’s the difference between polyamorous primary, secondary, and tertiary relationships?

A: When you move, your primary says, “When are we leaving?”

Your secondary says, “When am I visiting?”

Your tertiary says, “It was nice knowing you.”  » Read more

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PQ 11.8 — Will it be possible for the secondary nature of my relationship to evolve into primary, if my partner and I desire that? If not, how will I feel about my relationship remaining secondary long into the future — say, ten or fifteen years?

a healthy vegetable garden with plants spaced a bit apart
Image by Alan Levine / CC BY

PQ 11.8 — Will it be possible for the secondary nature of my relationship to evolve into primary, if my partner and I desire that? If not, how will I feel about my relationship remaining secondary long into the future — say, ten or fifteen years?

*

Human beings are notoriously terrible at predicting the emotional future.  » Read more

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PQ 11.7 — Will the term secondary be applied to my relationship, and if so, do I understand how the primary couple is defining the word? Am I comfortable with the definition?

a very complicated flowchart that is of hierarchy without a company structure, many smiley faces of various colors are connected by a vast network of lines. nothing is really labeled
Image by Jurgen Appelo / CC BY

PQ 11.7 — Will the term secondary be applied to my relationship, and if so, do I understand how the primary couple is defining the word? Am I comfortable with the definition?

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A new thread appears in one of the poly discussion groups I’m in. ¬†Asking people for their input on what the terms “primary”  » Read more

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PQ 11.3 — Am I open to secondary relationships someday becoming primary relationships, given enough time and investment?

an assortment of Burpee seed packets, including Zinnia, Mammoth Russian sunflowers, Candy pink morning glory, and heavenly blue morning glory
Image by Lori L. Stalteri / CC BY

PQ 11.3 — Am I open to secondary relationships someday becoming primary relationships, given enough time and investment?

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I remember the first time I planted flowers.

My first grade teacher sent us all home with seed packets. A wildflower variety. I was so excited. I walked to the edge of our property to a bare spot.  » Read more

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PQ 11.2 — Are there specific assets, commitments or people (such as children) I am seeking to protect with a hierarchy? Can I imagine other avenues for achieving that protection?

a castle in the clouds, over an ocean, with a large moon behind it
Image by pumpkincat210 / CC BY

PQ 11.2 —¬†Are there specific assets, commitments or people (such as children) I am seeking to protect with a hierarchy? Can I imagine other avenues for achieving that protection?

*

There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds.

-Gilbert K. Chesteron

Minoring in Anxiety

“I’m happy for her,  » Read more

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Running Out of Side Quests on the Quest for Primary

the shadow of what appears to be a man holding a lightning bolt, like the god Zeus
Image by vasse nicolas,antoine / CC BY

“If you asked most people whether they believed in love or not, they’d probably say they didn’t. Yet that’s not necessarily what they truly think. It’s just the way they defend themselves against what they want. They believe in it, but pretend they don’t until they’re allowed to. Most people would throw away all their cynicism if they could.  » Read more

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I’m Married to Him, But I’m Not His Primary

a person dressed in black walking down a brick sidewalk towards a brick building. The ground looks wet. It appears to have just rained. Their umbrella has primary colors on it (red, blue, and yellow).
Image by bazzadarambler / CC BY

Fellow poly Clevelander Ferrett Steinmetz recently published a post called “I’m Married to Her, but I’m Not Her Primary.” What renders him secondary, Ferrett writes in this post, is his wife’s commitment to her children from a previous marriage and how she (understandably) prioritizes that role over their relationship.

It’s a nice piece,  » Read more

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