Many long-time readers of the blog know that I identify as a recovering people pleaser. It’s been a long road to recovery, bolstered by an excellent support system and a round of assertiveness therapy several years back.
Growing up under the thumb of a difficult mercurial parent, I learned early on how to anticipate her needs and accommodate them, » Read more
I’ve been on a cleaning frenzy lately. I recently implemented a new chore list which guides me through most of the motions. Makes keeping things up routine and automatic. Mostly anyway. Sometimes I have to be more intentional.
For example, going by the list, each Friday’s big chore is always miscellaneous. » Read more
I had an ex who once told me, “The only thing that’s wrong with you is that you think there’s something wrong with you. You shouldn’t care what people think.”
Looking back, I can kind of see what he meant. In those days, I spent most of my time consumed by doubt. Drowning in shame. » Read more
PQ 16.1 — When my partners have competing desires, how well do I express what I need? Do I make sure my own desires aren’t lost in the shuffle?
There’s a certain kind of story I grew up believing: No sacrifice was too great for love. In fact, my own personal picture of love required a large sacrifice. » Read more
“I’m always doing everything for everyone else,” she says. “And where does it get me?”
I’m taken aback. I’m not sure where this is coming from. She’s got good qualities, but she’s far from anybody’s whipping boy. If anything, she’s more selfish than most.
“To hell with what they think,” she says, » Read more
PQ 9.13 — Am I afraid to express my boundaries? Do I feel they won’t be respected?
Am I Afraid to Express My Boundaries?
These issues are near and dear to my heart. I’m a recovering people pleaser.
As I’ve written about in past articles, » Read more
crumple zone: noun
a section of an automobile body designed to absorb the force of an impact in order to protect the passengers (Merriam-Webster)
a part of a motor vehicle, especially the extreme front end and rear, designed to crumple easily in a crash and absorb the main force of an impact (Google)
I’ve written a few times about polyamory and emotional labor:
I’m yet to find a polyamorous relationship system that extends beyond a few folks that hasn’t occasionally run into these patterns of uneven one-sided emotional labor. » Read more
Born with a Target on My Back
I wasn’t allowed to be particular.
Growing up, only two people in my family were allowed to be particular. One was my sister Alice. Her default state was disgust. Dismay.
Alice was nasty. Particular. And catered to. She was consulted first on where she wanted to go whenever the family went out to eat. » Read more
PQ 8.4 — Do I feel that most other people are sexier, more good-looking, more worthwhile, funnier, smarter or just generally better than I am, and I am not able to compete with them?
Why hello there, Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’ve been on a lifelong quest to prove to myself that I was good enough. » Read more
“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”
As I wrote in a previous post, there are worse things than conflict, including perpetually running away from one you need to address. One commenter on that piece made a great observation: “Honesty and conflict resolution are so much easier in theory than in practice.” » Read more